Baby Daze

He's Here!

2006-07-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had the baby! I even had a successful VBAC! He's wonderful and my toddler is such a great big brother and - oh, he just peed through his outfit. I'm amazed at how much laundry an infant generates. I'm off to change his outfit, I'll try to get back shortly and give more details. Life's a little nuts right now with two kids. =)

Stick A Fork In Me.

2006-05-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

I'm done. I'm ready to have this baby. My brain wants to wait two more weeks but I'm done. I'm ready. I'm mentally prepared and I'm looking forward to the whole thing and I'm ready to go. There are dishes that need to be done and I have a load of laundry I want to do, but I don't care. Having constant contractions is just draining. Having so much discomfort when I walk up the stairs or walk around a store is ridiculous. I don't really want to be pregnant anymore. I'm looking forward to the delivery, to meeting the new baby, to seeing Turtle with his new sibling and settling back into my normal life. Life without having to sit on the couch so much and being so careful with all my movements.

When I was pregnant with Turtle I was never ready to not be pregnant. I liked being pregnant. I didn't have any contractions or anything, I was a little large, but I felt good. I liked the big belly and having people let me get in front of them in line at the grocery store. I was pretty fit, too, I walked a lot and relaxed a lot and had a nice time. I was also daunted by the whole motherhood thing. It was MUCH easier to take care of a baby when it lived in my belly. I could keep it safe and protected and happy so easily. Towards the end of my pregnancy when people would say I must be ready to get it over with I would smile but think, hell no! Why would I want to get it over with? This is the life! I got to nap and wander around town and read and sit in the sun! THIS time, however, I'm not feeling so much like the fertile goddess I felt like last time. I'm uncomfortable and tired and annoyed at how long this is taking. I want to resume my normal life as Mommy. I'm tired of sending my toddler off to family so I can rest, I want to get back to my routine and be able to run around the park with my boys. I want my body back!!

Every Three Minutes!

2006-05-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was no fun. At about 8:30pm I started getting contractions every three minutes. After an hour and a half of these I started to worry a little bit. My husband also had to work really late last night and was a little over 30 minutes away, so it didn't help that I was alone. I didn't feel like I was actually going into labor, but I'd never had such consistent contractions so close together for so long. I read my What to Expect book about real labor and false labor symptoms and it said real labor contractions don't go away when you change positions or get up or sit down. These weren't going away no matter what I was doing. And I had developed a nagging backache that was another real labor symptom in the book. It was weird. They weren't the most painful contractions, but they were so frequent that I had no idea what was going on. My mom said I should call my dr. so after having them for two hours I did. They suggested I go to the hospital to get monitored, but by then it was after 10pm and I really didn't feel like dealing with all that. It still didn't feel like real labor, it just felt weird, so he said I should try going to sleep - if I could sleep through them then it wasn't real labor. If they woke me up then I should go to the hospital. Since I'm trying for a VBAC he said I should be monitored more closely.

It took forever to get to sleep and then I woke up at 1am when my husband came to bed and couldn't get back to sleep for hours. I was still having contractions but I figured if they hadn't gotten worse and I was able to sleep for the time that I did then I must be okay. I was starving so I ate some cereal and eventually went back to sleep.

Today I'm exhausted, but I'm much better. I do feel like the baby dropped a little bit with all those contractions, though - suddenly I have to pee at least every hour so I think the baby has sunk a little further onto my bladder. All morning long the baby was putting so much pressure on my cervix it felt like he was going to just fall out. I think all this might have had something to do with my cervical exam yesterday. I think all that poking and prodding agitated things. Who knows.

I hope I make it two more weeks. I want to be at least 38 weeks when he's born. I don't know why, I guess I just want to make sure he's done cooking and he's nice and fat. In my experience big babies are so much happier. And, a month early just seems too early. I know my doctor said if I go into labor now they won't stop it, but still.

I'm told I'll know it when I'm having a real labor contraction and I need to go to the hospital. Since I didn't go through any of this last time - I did all my contracting and dilating in the hospital after being induced - it's still new to me. But fun, actually. It's all very exhilarating. Wondering, is it time? Should we get the bag ready? Knowing that I've progressed enough already that I might go into labor on my own is kind of like setting up a tent at the edge of a cliff. You're just waiting until you fall over the edge. The falling is a scary thought, but will be so thrilling!

I'm effaced!

2006-05-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm 50% effaced! I went in for my 36 week appointment today and I'm one centimeter and 50% effaced so my dr. said he'll induce me at 39 weeks if I haven't gone into labor by then. Wee! I seem to have a good chance at a VBAC - Turtle was too big but he was also 42 weeks, so this baby will HAVE to be smaller at 39. =)

I'm so excited. It's actually happening! When I was induced at 42 weeks last time NOTHING was going on. I was one centimeter but nothing else was ready. My cervix was long and thick and in denial that I was supposed to be having a baby. This time my body is actually doing what it's supposed to be doing. A little quickly, but still. It's kind of funny, with the first pregnancy my body won't do anything and after 30 hours of inducing me I end up with a C-section. This time my body seems to be in a rush to give birth.

Ever since I went in to the hospital at 30 weeks with contractions I've been having a LOT of contractions. Every day is a new adventure in discomfort. At 30 weeks I was one centimeter dilated on the outside of my cervix, but the inside was still tightly closed. I was ordered to REST because of all my contractions. At my 34 week appointment the whole thing was open one centimeter and the doctor could feel the baby's head and I was ordered to REALLY REST. The doctors really wanted the baby to get to at least 36 weeks. Now, at 36 weeks, I'm one centimeter, 50% effaced and told if I go into labor they won't stop it. I'd still be a lot more comfortable if it didn't happen for another two weeks - 36 weeks still seems a little early, plus, waiting until 39 weeks would be so much more convenient for us because of my husband's work and stuff.

I have good days and bad, but my evenings are mostly bad. I have contractions anywhere between every half hour and every five minutes in the evening. And they hurt. It's kind of exhausting, actually. And the more I do during the day the worse it is at night. But it's so hard to rest. That sounds stupid, but it's really annoying to sit around the house all day and not do anything. I thought it would be nice to have some time to relax, but it's really not very relaxing. Turtle has been spending about one night a week off with his grandparents, which is nice, but when he comes home he is SO SPOILED and kind of a pain to take care of the following day.

So, that's where I'm at. Still resting for a few more weeks but very pleased that I'm making progress all on my own.

Going, going, going

2006-03-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

Still in the same spot. Contractions when I do too much, feel better when I rest, really tired of resting.

I have a feeling this is another big baby and I won't be able to birth it anyway. Turtle was too big to fit through my pelvis and I have a feeling that even if we induce a week early this baby won't fit through my pelvis, either. This baby is totally floating around way above my pelvis. Not engaged in the least. I'm all belly, still, too, even though I've gained 30 pounds. You can't tell from behind that I'm pregnant at all. The baby is like a shelf sticking way out in front. It's kind of funny looking, but it means that all of my maternity shirts are TOO SHORT. I have nothing to wear. I bought some men's t-shirts and those fit better. They are at least long enough, although they are getting a little tight around the belly. You know what? The whole purpose of a maternity shirt is to cover the belly, shouldn't they be long enough to do so?? I'm just bitter.

I'm trying to make myself a diaper bag before I deliver, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I have the fabric all ready to go and the plans all in my head, but I'm so tired and uncomfortable at night it's all I can do to eat and go to bed. But the fabric I have chosen is SO pretty. I hope I get it done.

Due date is getting closer and closer. I'm looking forward to it. I'm not nervous about the birth - I think I'm going to end up with a c-section which is easy enough, and I'm actually looking forward to having two kids. I think it will be really nice for Turtle to have someone to play with. He loves babies and I think he'll be tickled to have one in his house. Ignorance is bliss. I know I have no idea what it's like to have two kids and I'll have some hard realities to deal with, but for now I'm looking forward to it, so don't tell me the truth, okay? The only thing that's getting me antsy as the date comes closer is the anxiety that I won't get everything done that I want to get done. The cradle and crib are set up, the cradle sheets are washed and ready, all the baby's clothes are organized and in their appropriate shelves... I have to pack the hospital bag, find the breast pump, make my diaper bag and get a few more baby things out of the garage. Not too much. Doable. I would love to clean out the garage (never happening, ever) and get my husband to shampoo the carpets before we start leaving a baby on them, but, whatever.

So, the plumber was here for THREE AND A HALF HOURS yesterday fixing the downstairs toilet. He was here through Turtle's nap so I didn't get to lay down at all and I was so tired I was nearly crying. At one point he had both the toilet and the door to the bathroom lying in the hallway. Then he said it was fixed and he left and it's not actually fixed. It still doesn't flush. THREE AND A HALF HOURS. You could flush a bowl of water and it still won't go down. Fuck. And he left the bathroom a huge mess and left his dirty fingerprints all over the door and bits of crap all over the floor. But you know the worst part of it? It means I have to go all the way upstairs to use the bathroom and I have to use the bathroom a lot. And walking up the stairs is a pain in the ass right now.

Oof, I have to go. This sitting position of upright and leaning forward slightly in front of the computer really gets the contractions going.

Contractions

2006-03-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've been having some difficulties. I went in to my doctor last week because I just wasn't feeling right. I was very uncomfortable and felt like I having something more than Braxton Hicks contractions. They weren't just the usual tightening - they were kind of painful and I couldn't really walk or sit or do much of anything. And they were frequent. I couldn't tell, though, if I was just complaining and tired from running around after a toddler or if something was actually going on. After about a week of this I finally decided I'd had enough and went to see my doctor. I could deal with the discomfort, I just needed to know that it wasn't leading to preterm labor or anything. I was expecting to go in to my doctor, get checked out, be told I wasn't dilated and I was fine and to go home. Then I would go home and be in a much better place to ignore the pain, knowing that it wasn't negatively impacting the baby.

So, I got checked out at my doctor's office and I'm a little bit dilated. Not much, but there were a few other things that were concerning my doctor, one of which was a very "forward" cervix, whatever that means. It could have been a urinary tract infection which can cause preterm contractions in the late months, so she took my pee and also did a Fetal Fibronectin test which apparently can see if you're going to go into labor in the next two weeks. She then sent me over to Labor and Delivery at the hospital to get monitored. I got set up in a birthing room and they attached a baby monitor and a contraction monitor on my belly. The baby was really kicking and moving and wouldn't stay monitored. And, I was fine for a while, no contractions. Hook me up to a monitor and they finally stop! But then they came back. My doctor was in and out delivering babies and he didn't like the look of my contractions. So I got a shot of Terbutaline which is a smooth muscle relaxant and is supposed to stop contractions. And it did. For 45 minutes. But it also makes your heart race and your hands shake like you've had a double shot espresso. About an hour after I got the shot I suddenly felt very bad, like I was going to pass out and I paged the nurse and started to sweat and couldn't see. I was sweaty and hot and cold and my hands were numb and I couldn't breathe very well. When she walked in I was lying there limp with my eyes closed, sweating. She thought I was just hyperventilating from the Terbutaline but then she took my blood pressure and it had dropped dramatically. They called it a Vasovagal. My doctor came in, they put me on oxygen and hurried around me. The baby's heartrate dropped during that time, too, but he recovered quickly. After that they really weren't interested in sending me home right away. So I called my mom, told her I was in the hospital and she came over to hang out with me. My contractions came back but after a while they sent me home with instructions to REST. Which is nearly impossible with a toddler in the house.

So, here I am at home, resting. Both the urinary tract infection test and the fetal fibronectin test came back negative, so I guess this pregnancy is just sensitive to too much activity. It's funny, Turtle had to get induced at 2 weeks overdue - I never had a contraction until I got to the hospital - and that ended in c-section. Last time we couldn't get the contractions to start, now we can't get them to stop. My husband has been doing so much around here. He gets up with Turtle, and does everything for him when he's home - feeds him, takes him to the park and he makes us all our meals and makes sure I sleep in and take naps and don't do very much. He's being absolutely amazing. And he's not complaining! I complain all the time and he must be so exhausted and worn out but he does it all with a smile. And every day when he's at work either my mom or my grampa comes over to help out with Turtle. Feeding him, playing with him, whatever. Which helps so much.

And I slowly go around and finish up all the things I want to get done before the baby comes. I'm almost there. All the important stuff is done, I think. I have a few odds and ends left, but nothing too big. It's hard to rest. It's really hard not to go and go and go until I have to stop. But when I do I pay for it later. So I'm learning to feel that it's okay to sit and rest even though there's stuff to do. It's okay to put off the laundry for a nap.

So, that's where I'm at. Resting. Trying to. I have 8 weeks left until we'll probably induce. I can hold out for 8 more weeks...

I Am A Whale

2006-03-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

I weigh 1,000 pounds. I am enormous. It's hard to get into my downstairs bathroom - it's kind of a small bathroom and it's hard to get around the door to the toilet. And it's all out front. The baby is just hanging around like a shelf. From the back I don't look pregnant at all. But, the belly is huge. I can carry Turtle around with him sitting on the belly and I don't have to hold on to him at all. Turtle loves the belly. He calls it the baby and likes to kiss it and pat it. He also loves actual babies, although I really don't think he knows the two are connected. When we are around other kids (mostly younger than Turtle, but some his own age) he likes to rub their hair and stroke their faces and give them hugs. Mostly they don't understand and try to get away and he follows them for a bit, but some really like the attention.

Turtle's funny. He hates confrontation. He never takes another child's toy and if someone gets upset and takes away his toy he gets a look of bewilderment and backs away slowly to look for another toy. He's 20 months old, I'm assuming he's going to slip into the greedy toddler stage any day now.

He has started throwing fits lately. They are lovely. If he doesn't get what he wants he starts in with the whining. I hate that noise. And he just started getting clingy with me. He never went through the "stranger danger" phase, he has always loved everyone, but recently there have been times when he only wanted Mommy. I have to admit, there's a tiny part of me that's relieved to see that he prefers me somewhat to the random stranger. =)

My husband and I went on vacation together - alone!! It was wonderful. We slept in, took naps, watched DVDs in the middle of the day, went on walks, ate breakfast in peace. I think it's our last time alone like that before the new baby comes. Which is in three months!

I've been getting so much of my sewing done! I just finished an order a few days ago and I'm in the middle of the next order. This is good news.

But I haven't been sleeping. I can't turn off my mind. About 4 or 5 in the morning I wake up and can't stop thinking enough to get back to sleep. I've started just getting up at 6am. But it leaves me SO tired later on in the day. Turtle's naps are only an hour or an hour and a half these days which doesn't leave enough time for a mid-day nap, so by 5pm I feel broken. Physically and mentally exhausted.

But, overall, I'm doing really well. I'm doing a great job keeping the house clean and nice looking, I've been doing so much sewing and I feel good. Just a bit large.

Website Found!

2006-02-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, third post in one day, but I just came across a really cool website (well, cool for those who like to read blogs about other expectant parents...)

Babes in Blogland

A Few Thoughts

2006-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

And can I just say that while I have a huge crush on the grey haired guy on American Idol, the guy with the long, wavy brown hair is just breath-takingly gorgeous. Like, my breath actually catches in my throat.

And while I'm here I'm also going to add that Willie Nelson's new gay cowboy song is just a touch bizarre. Here's an article about it on E! Online. "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)" is the title.

Hey

2006-02-15T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hello all! I've been away trying to get crap in order and I just haven't had the time to sit in front of the computer. Turtle hates it when I'm on the computer. He whines and cries and throws things over the baby gate I have surrounding the computer area.

But I'm been good - I've actually been accomplishing things! I've even been cleaning out the garage! There's still a lot to do, but I've done a good chunk. I have a really reasonable weekly plan set up for myself, too, so I get all my chores done for the week without killing myself over it all. Like, today is Wednesday and I cleaned the bathrooms, I did one Living Room Cleaning project and I did one Zone Clean project. This week's zone is in the kids' room, so I organized a little more of the closet. The last two days I set up a closet area for the new baby's clothes and moved all of Turtle's clothes that were too small for him over to the new baby's area. Now it's much easier to find the clothes that fit Turtle instead of sifting through all this stuff that was too small, and new baby has a whole wardrobe. I've been stressing about getting new baby's stuff organized so I feel a lot better about having the closet out of the way. The other night I had a dream that it was the day the baby was due and I realized we still didn't have diapers for the kid so I was wandering through Target, panting heavily, trying to find the diapers. They were all out.

Today I had a little birthing refresher course. I feel a lot better about that now, too. With Turtle I was two weeks overdue, I was induced and ended up with a c-section. This time we're going to induce a week early and see what happens. So I was getting very nervous about all the things that I hadn't gone through last time - like what it would be like to do the pushing. I had also forgotten a lot of the pain relief techniques I learned last time. So my friend who is also my nurse practitioner at my ob's office gave me and my husband our own little refresher course, going over all of my concerns. I feel so much more relaxed about the whole birthing process.

So, it's been a good couple of weeks. I've been happy and calm. I'm not getting shit done with my business orders, but my sewing machine is set up and ready to go!

Ooh, and I've been baking a lot, too. I made the best damn oatmeal nut chocolate chip cookies. I froze the dough in a log so I cut off a few slices, bake them and eat them! I've been making a ton of yogurt and applesauce and oh, I've been making crepes for breakfast. Turtle won't eat them, though, but that's okay because I love them. I've made crepes from pancake mix, but they were horrible. These crepes are from scratch and are so easy and quick and I fill them with my applesauce and they are divine. I'm making those waffles that I found the best recipe for every week and I freeze them and eat waffles throughout the week. They are kind of a pain in the ass, though, because you have to whip up the egg whites and fold them in the dough and that's annoying. I haven't done more on the sourdough making. I'm scared. I'm not sure what killed the poor dough, so I don't know what to do differently. I'm going to get a yogurt maker soon, though, so maybe I'll try again when I get that and keep the starter warm in there. I don't know.

So, that's about all for now. I've got a kitchen to clean.

Sourdough Day 4

2006-01-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

The bread is dead. I have killed the bread. I cannot keep a bread sponge alive for four days. What hope does my child have??

After I fed the sponge yesterday there were no bubbles. It should have been rising and bubbling and spongy. But it is smooth as glass. You can see your reflection. No bubbles.

It's on life support right now. I can't bear to pull the plug and toss it down the drain. It's sitting on its R2D2 heater, but I know it's over.

What went wrong? What did I do? Sigh. I killed bread.

Sourdough Day 3

2006-01-22T11:11:00.000-08:00

I got my sourdough sponge out to feed it today and there was a lot of clear/yellowy liquid hanging out on the top which, I've read, is normal. I stirred it back in but it was still really watery. I took out a cup of the sponge and decided to just replace it with 1/2 a cup of flour and no water and I'll see what consistency it is tomorrow. Yesterday it was wonderfully spongy, but today it was very watery. We'll see. I'm concerned.

Sourdough Day 2

2006-01-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

Holy CRAP it smells bad. It smells like someone vomited, let it sit for a week, smeared it with shit and then threw it in the microwave. And apparently this is a good thing.

I opened the lid to the tupperware and the fumes wafted through the whole kitchen. And lingered there long after I was done. But the sponge looked good. Looked very much like a sponge, in fact. I didn't use a big enough tupperware (I had it in a 7 cup tupperware for my 3 cups of water and 3 cups of flour) and it had expanded since yesterday and busted a little hole in the lid. Little sputters were slowly dribbling out. Anyway, I stirred up the stinky mess, took out a cup of the sponge, replaced it with 1/2 a cup of flour and 1/2 a cup water, stirred it up, put the lid mostly back on and put it back on the R2D2. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Sourdough Day 1

2006-01-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

I've decided to try making Sourdough Bread.

I did a whole bunch of poking around on the internet for instructions on how to do this and every page dug me deeper into a vast hole of confusion. There are all these precise instructions and they are all different. I was getting very confused. What I came away with was a vague knowledge that you made a "starter sponge," you left it out for a certain amount of days and you "fed" it. It all seemed very Little Shop of Horrors.

I very nearly gave up. One site had you make the starter by leaving it opened on the counter for a day or so and it would pick up the essential sourdough cultures from the air. This seemed very iffy - what if it didn't? How would I know? What if it picked up other crap from the air? And THEN the recipe called for about 16 cups of a very particular kind of flour and I got very confused. And overwhelmed by the 16 cups of flour. Some things had you let it rest on day 2, feed and stir on day 3 but not days 4 or 5 and then feed on 6, rest on 7, etc. etc. That just seemed too finicky for me.

And then I came across a little packet of sourdough starter in my grocery store that said it had instructions inside. Fine, it was $2, I thought I'd give it a shot. This is what was in it. It says basically that there's no exact way to make sourdough, people have been making it for ages and it's not that complicated. Basically, you make the sponge - the starter packet, bread flour and water - and you leave it out in a warm environment (90 degrees or so). If you feed it (take some out and replace it with flour and water) often (once or twice a day) it will get more sour and when you want it to stop getting more sour you put it in the fridge and the cultures will go dormant. Then, when you want to make bread from it you take some out to use for your recipe and replace what you took out with more flour and water so the sponge stays the same. That way you will always have the sponge in the fridge ready to make bread with! I just learned that my eccentric grandfather kept the same sourdough starter with him for decades. Sheesh. Carried it around with him in a little pot or something.

This seemed easy enough to me, so I decided to give it a shot. Like I said in the last post, the problem seemed to be finding a place that stayed 90 degrees. I tried the oven with the light on but that wasn't hot enough and we use the oven all the time. I could see one of us preheating the oven for something and looking in later to find dripping plastic and the screaming sourdough sponge desperately clawing at the door trying to get out. I tried above the fridge but that wasn't nearly warm enough. I tried in the cabinet next to the stereo when the stereo was on but that didn't work. I tried around the water heater, but the water heater is in the garage and the garage is freezing. So.... I decided to build my own device. I could have gone out and bought an electric blanket type thing - which was a really good suggestion left in the last post - but I got in the mood to experiment.

I have a little wooden plant stool thing that has slats on the top with spaces between the slats. I put that on my kitchen counter. I had already taken a lamp apart when the lamp got too ugly to lug around so I had a light bulb socket attached to a cord and I put that under the stool. I wrapped tin foil around the whole thing leaving the slats open so the heat from the light bulb would come out the top. I put a tupperware of water with a thermometer in it on the top and covered it with tin foil. This actually worked a little too well and the water temperature was climbing up to 110 degrees! So I took the tin foil top off but it was still slightly too warm so I raised the tupperware up on two knives so some of the heat could escape out from under the tupperware and this stayed steady at 92 degrees! Woo hoo! All with a lightbulb, a stool and some tin foil. I call it my tin foil R2D2...

With a warm place secured I made my sponge. I mixed the starter packet, some bread flour and some warm water together.

After mixing it together it was very much like pancake dough and I could see a few bubbles forming.

I put the lid on the tupperware and put it up on my R2D2. My instruction sheet says if it starts to get too acidic to just put it in the fridge and it will go dormant. So, I'm going to feed it every day for up to 10 days (unless it gets acidic before that) and then put it in the fridge and I'll be done! Well, once in the fridge you still have to feed it once a week, but I'll basically be done. And then I'll make bread and the bread will suck and I'll have to throw the whole thing out and start over. And then I'll cry because I spent 10 days working on this and watching it grow and learn its first word... It's like a little child. I'm already getting attached. Will I ever see grandchildren?? Please, God, let it live!

Progress

2006-01-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

So, my plan was to spend the next 9 weeks finishing up outside obligations and the following 9 weeks finishing up household and pre-baby stuff, and then I'd be all ready for the baby. Right? Well, I'm 3 days into Week 1 and all I've managed to do is keep the house clean and take care of Turtle. Which, in itself, is a pretty big chore. I have not worked one minute on my orders. Sigh.

But I am contemplating making some sourdough bread. I bought a sourdough starter from the grocery store and before I start I'm trying to find a place that stays 80 - 90 degrees for it to grow. It's about a 10 day process of leaving it and feeding it and stirring it and leaving it. That whole time it should stay warm. If it was summer I could just leave it out, but it's raining and 54 degrees out.

I have two small cotton bags filled with uncooked rice. I microwaved them for about 5 minutes and I put them and a thermometer into my cooler to see how hot that gets and for how long. I don't want to use my oven because we use the oven every day for cooking. I felt around above the fridge, but that feels just as cool as the rest of the house. Which is probably mid-60's right now.

Speaking of food, I'm loving my homemade yogurt. I borrowed a yogurt maker from a friend which makes the whole thing ridiculously easy. Heat milk, let it cool, add 2 tablespoons of yogurt, put in yogurt maker. And I get fresh, homemade yogurt every day!

So, that's it. Pregnancy-wise I feel great! My friends ooh and ahh over my belly and tell me how cute it looks sticking way out. It sits right out front like a little bowling ball. The people I see around town but don't know very well - like the grocery clerk and bank tellers- comment about how Turtle must be getting a little sibling soon. I'm a little tired, I have to pee a little more frequently and it's getting more and more uncomfortable to lie on my back, but I'm doing really well. I can even brush my teeth most days without gagging!

My Plan

2006-01-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

I have a plan. I am 21 weeks pregnant and I have 18 or 19 weeks left (depending on when they induce) and I have all this crap left to do that's getting me down and making me crazy. So, here's my plan. I'm going to take the next 9 weeks to finish up all my outside obligations - my business orders which have fallen drastically behind and all the Christmas presents I have yet to finish - and then the next 9 weeks on all my household obligations - getting the house ready for the new baby and all the other things that I'll never have time to do once we have two kids (make curtains, organize the kitchen shelves, work on cleaning out the garage, etc). In the meantime I won't take on anything else - no more orders, no more volunteer positions, nothing. I'm going to concentrate on finishing up what I already have to do. Today my plan is to tidy up the entire house so that I'm ready to go tomorrow. I'm almost done, I just have a few things to put away in the bedroom.

And now I feel SOOO much better. I've been getting really down in the last week, feeling like I've been drowning in all this stuff. Meanwhile, the more bummed I get, the less cleaning I do, the messier the house gets, the more bummed I get, the harder it is to do anything productive.

I always get sucked into this cycle. Why? My husband wouldn't care at all if I didn't clean the house for an entire month. Why do I put all this pressure on myself to get everything done? Why do I care if we have pretty curtains up by the time the baby is born? Why does the house have to be spotless all day every day?

Some days just make me crazy. I have so much to do, Turtle gets frustrated, I get frustrated... What's to keep me from just not doing what I feel like I have to do? I mean, besides paying the bills, pretty much everything else can wait. Sometimes I'm the one making my day hard.

Maybe I'm just trying to stay busy. Sometimes, you know, hanging out with a one year old can be pretty boring. And if he's whiny it can get really annoying. And I'm also trying to stay ahead - it can take forever to catch up.

The next time I start to get frazzled and go crazy with all the stuff that needs doing I'm going to stop and look at what I'm trying to get done. Dishwashing? Picking up the living room? Laundry? If it's something that can wait I'm going to try really hard to put it off until the next day and not get all antsy about it.

Okay, 9 weeks to get stuff done, and if a day starts to kick my butt I'm just not going to let it. So there.

Oh, Well.

2006-01-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

Well, since I just put up a big old photo of Turtle on the blog and the world didn't come crashing down, I thought I might as well put up one of myself. I'm terrified that someone I know will find this blog - I would be totally embarrassed - which is why there are no names or pictures. So, just don't tell anyone I know, okay?

20 Week OB Appointment

2006-01-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

My new camera arrived yesterday! It's a Canon Digital Rebel XT and I looooove it. I've been completely consumed with taking pictures and learning all the things the camera does. In fact, I think I'm going to break my anonymous rule and put up one of the pictures I took yesterday of Turtle. I might lose my nerve and take it down, though!

So, anyway, I had my 20 week OB appointment yesterday. I've gained 10 pounds so far and my RN said that was perfect. It's good I put on a little bit of weight. I'd only gained three pounds by my last appointment four weeks ago and in some clothes you can hardly tell I'm pregnant at all and sometimes when I'm lying down at night, half asleep, I'd put my hand on my belly and, lying down it would be almost flat, and I'd get all paranoid the baby wasn't there anymore or it had died or stopped growing or something. So it was nice to have an ultrasound to see that the baby was moving all over and was a good size (nearly a pound) and then to have my doctor's appointment and be told my weight gain was fine.

As far as my symptoms go, I'm doing really well. Just a few days ago I had my FIRST NAUSEA-FREE DAY! I've been much better in the last few days and I've almost completely forgotten about the whole morning sickness thing. Barfing? Nah, not me! I feel fine! It's AMAZING to me how quickly we forget pain/illness. That's what makes it possible to have more than one child...

Besides being pregnant and running around after Turtle, I really haven't been doing much. I don't like leaving the house these days. It's too much trouble and lugging Turtle in and out of the car is such a pain. Besides, there's ALL THIS CRAP that needs to be done around the house before the baby comes. I feel like this house is constantly a disaster, no matter how much I clean it. And I clean it A LOT.

That's about it. Oh, yeah, and I bake. I made an apple-upside down cake yesterday, but it didn't turn out that great. I forgot to peel the apples, for one, and it took almost twice as long to bake than the recipe said. The crust was supposed to turn golden brown in 25 minutes but I had to leave it in for about 45 minutes. So, who knows. But it was my first experience making my own pie crust, and that part at least tastes really good. It's Martha Stewart's Pate Brisee recipe. One of the important things about making pie crust is that you have to work fast and use very cold butter and water. You don't want to blend it for too long and you don't want it warming up for some reason.

So, I'm now a boring, pregnant housewife. Whoopee. I bought Papasan chair from Cost Plus last week and it's so comfortable I never get out of it. I sit in my chair, I clean, I bake and I try not to leave the house.

It's a Boy!

2006-01-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

So, we're having a boy. Another boy. We'll have two boys. Two boys. Two boys slightly under two years old. Oh. My. God. We already go through almost a gallon of milk a day, can you imagine the groceries we're going to need to be getting in 15 years?

I really wanted a girl. I have a great relationship with my mom and I really wanted to have a daughter. Especially when the children were grown up. I would really like to have an adult daughter. Boys move away and don't call and have wives who hate their in-laws and the mothers never get to see their grandchildren. The baby's still in the womb and I'm already missing my grandchildren! What the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh, by the way, Turtle says, "Oh, shit." I have such a potty mouth.

Anyway, I don't think we're going to have three children, so I think my chances of having a girl have just gone down the toilet. I really wanted a girl.

I'm terrified about having two boys close in age running around the house, the testosterone is going to be overwhelming. What if I don't - and this is crazy, I know - but, what if I don't love this other boy as much as I love Turtle? It's just weird to me, having two of the same sex, especially so close in age. It's kind of like I'm replacing Turtle.

But, I've talked to a few friends who have two young boys who are close in age and they all say they love it. The boys really get along and the house is wild and messy and fun. My husband has an older brother and he says they got along well growing up and rarely fought. And the boys will be sharing a room until we get a bigger house, so at least two boys can share a room a lot longer than a boy and a girl could. And Turtle has the cutest clothes - I don't have to go out and buy a whole new girl's wardrobe...

But, I'm an only child and I have no idea what siblinghood is like. (I'm an only child, but my dad had two daughters after my parents divorced who I never lived with and only saw twice a year. I really wasn't close to them at all growing up so, while I have two half sisters, I consider myself an only child.) I'm just imagining constant fighting and yelling and hassles trying to get the two of them through a grocery line. How do you leave the house with two small children?

Seeing the baby move around at the ultrasound made it all so real. We're actually going to have another child. So, besides the fact that it's another boy, it's also just another child. How will I even shower? I rarely get to shower now...

I'm totally freaking out.

And I just found out I have to wait another TWO WEEKS until the next Veronica Mars episode. My life is so rough.

20 Week Ultrasound

2006-01-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

Hi! I know the sex of the baby. Tee hee.

So we went in today for my 20 week ultrasound. The baby looks good. Turtle was such a rambunctious baby in the womb - always kicking and rolling and playing. And he came out a very happy, very active baby. This one is much more mellow and shy. It had its hands up over its face most of the time and wouldn't pose for the camera. It spent most of the time on its belly, hiding its face. The ultrasound tech kept jabbing at it with the wand trying to get it to move but it WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT. And for its age it already seems to be a big baby. Great. Turtle was a big baby, too.

We're going to induce early, but I'm not sure how early. I'm determined to go on vacation over mother's day weekend, which is May 14th. It could very well end up that we go on vacation into the middle of NOWHERE (meaning, like, 1.5 hours from the nearest hospital...) and then have the baby the next day. My husband is having a heart attack over this whole vacation thing, but I'm going, damn it.

We weren't going to find out the sex of the baby. I wanted it to be a fun guessing game. But we were in there and seeing the baby I just knew it was boy. I said to my husband that it was a boy and he said he thought it was a boy, too, so we told the tech we just wanted her to confirm that it was a boy. She told us we were having...

Homemade Yogurt

2006-01-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, Frank McBoob, you ask how you make yogurt? Well, I'll tell you.

It's very simple. Basically, you heat milk to kill off the bad bacteria, cool it down so you can add good bacteria without killing it and then keep it warm for 4 to 12 hours.

How I do it specifically is I put 4 cups of milk into a jar (I use 2% milk because it's what we have in the house), I put the jar into a pot of water and put the pot on the stove. I heat the milk to 185 degrees F (put a candy thermometer into the milk) stirring occasionally. When it gets to 185 degrees take the pot off the stove and let the milk cool down to 112 degrees. Here's where you need to add a "starter" to get the cultures growing. You can either buy special powdered yogurt starter, or you can just use 2 tablespoons of already made yogurt. I like Brown Cow Cream Top, plain, full fat. You can also add some powdered milk here, to make the resulting yogurt thicker, but I haven't yet because I haven't gotten any yet. Actually, we had some in the house, but I didn't know how old it was so I called Nestle or whoever made it and asked them if it had a shelf life. She asked for the code on the box and it turns out the damn thing expired in 2000. Um. So, moving on... Then I put a lid on the milk jar and I put the entire thing - pot filled with water, with the jar of milk still in it - into a cooler. Standard plastic cooler we take camping. Or you could put the milk into a yogurt maker, which is just a machine that keeps the milk hot for however long you need it hot. Every hour for six hours I pour 130 degree water into the bottom of the cooler to keep it nice and toasty (about 107 degrees). You need to keep the milk/yogurt at a stable temperature, somewhere between 90 and 120 degrees. Too cold and the cultures become inactive, too hot and they die. The longer you leave it in, the thicker it gets. I've only done it for six hours because I tend to start the process in the afternoon and after six hours I want to go to bed. But with a yogurt maker you could turn it on and leave it alone - my cooler system needs attention every hour or so. I borrowed a yogurt maker and I'm going to try it out tomorrow. If I like it I'll get my own. They sell on Amazon for $18.

That's it! Next we're trying sourdough bread...

Piglet

2006-01-08T22:02:00.000-08:00

I bought my camera! I finally got around to selling this extra car I had lying around which put me $5 over the price of the camera! Okay, it was more than an extra car, it was my first car. I got it when I was with that awful ex-boyfriend of mine and it gave me the ability to move out of town, get away and start over. I'd lived in Berkeley my whole life, when I went to Cal I always lived within blocks of campus and walked everywhere. Therefore, all my jobs basically had to be within walking distance and I relied heavily on my ex's car when I needed to get around. Which meant I had very limited job options and a hard time getting away from my ex. And then my mom's friend sold me her car - an old-ass Mercury Tracer with a billion miles. But it was a great car. A really nice car. My first car. It was grey with a red racing stripe and there was a sticker of Piglet on the dashboard to the right of the steering wheel, so I named it Piglet. My zippy little stick shift. Zoom zoom. Within two weeks of getting the car I had plans to move 100 miles away.

I loaded up my extra crap into a storage bin and put my cat and the rest of my crap in Piglet and we moved away together. When it was time to move back to the city with my beautiful husband, I loaded up my cat and my crap back into Piglet and moved back into town. Everything in my life turned around when I got that car.

But, recently, Piglet has been sitting by itself in a parking lot. I went out and cheated on Piglet and got a new ride with heated leather seats and a sun roof and power everything. I'd been meaning to sell Piglet, but just never got around to it. Part of me loved that car and didn't really want to part with it, and a large part didn't want to deal with advertising it online and having strangers come by to test drive it and dealing with potential scammers and all that.

And then, it seemed like fate stepped in! My best friend came down to visit her family, who live nearby. She was here for 3 weeks and didn't have a way to get around, so I said she could borrow Piglet, since no one else was using it. Her younger brother got married a year or so ago and they live in an apartment with her other brother and have one car and no money. Her brother's wife works in town, but he works pretty far away so they'd been struggling with the commute and they just didn't have the money to get a new car. So my best friend bought my car for them! I sold it to her really cheap - it felt good to pass on Piglet to another family who could really use it. And, as much as I loved that car, I would use my fancy new camera a lot more often than I would use Piglet!

And now I miss Piglet, but I'm happy it has gone off to a good home, and I'm thrilled that I'm getting my camera. Maybe I could name my camera Piglet... Okay, I'm pregnant and emotional, shut up. But seriously, I really miss that car. But in a good way. Now it's just a happy memory, not a burden thatI have to get rid of before it rusts into a useless, worthless heap of metal.

So, yeah, sold the car and bought a camera. And I have my ultrasound tomorrow morning!

Damn, I'm half way through this pregnancy. It seems like yesterday I was pacing around the living room trying to stall for another few hours before taking the pregnancy test.

I'm Back!

2006-01-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

My family has gone home and the holidays are over! I can finally be a real person again. My house is a disaster. My dad and sister were here for a week and the house just exploded. I have some serious cleaning to do before I have too much play time.

But real quick, things ended up getting a little better with my dad. As the days went on I started getting less irritated by everything and more relaxed with him here. Our relationship is always over the phone, sometimes it's hard to adjust to the face-to-face stuff. And I really do believe the tension had a lot to do with my little sister being here. Dealing with my issues while she was dealing with hers was not easy.

And I've been cooking A LOT. I have so many things to share, but I'll just start with this one first: I've been making pizza dough from scratch and it's so easy and fast and yummy! I just use a regular recipe for making pizza dough - yeast, flour, etc, let it rise for an hour and then spread it out. We top it with all kinds of stuff - arugula is really good on a pizza - and then bake and it's done! The crust stays crispy (even underneath the toppings!) and it's wayyyy more filling than the frozen stuff. The amount of dough that my recipe makes is slightly too much for our pizza stone, so before it rises I split off a little chunk and after making our dinner pizza I make a small pizza for my husband to take to work with him and I feel like such a housewife. Which I am, I guess.

Oh, and another thing real quick - I've been making my own yogurt! It's so easy and tastes great and you can tweak it to just how you want it and it's so fresh and good for you. And cheap, too. It costs me about $1 to make a quart of yogurt while the same amount from the store costs $3. More if you buy it in smaller quantities. We go through a lot of yogurt in this house - maybe two quarts a week - which is, um, over $200 a year!

OH! And it's so exciting, you know that camera I've been wanting for, like, ever? Well, last week I decided to start a camera jar and I've been putting money in it - my rules are that I have to earn it, it has to be a gift, or I have to sell something - I can't use money that my husband makes (it already gets spent on things we need without too much left over for expensive toys) or money that we already have - and I'm almost there!! Seriously, I have slightly over $100 left and my husband's grandparents have yet to give us our Christmas money... Yes, his grandparents and parents still give us money for our birthdays and Christmas. I feel like such a little kid. But, anyway, I almost have enough for my camera!

Okay, that's all, I have to feed my child his breakfast (he's starting to eat string) and get on with the house cleaning. Maybe I'll even get to shower today!

My Family Is Here

2005-12-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

And I'm so irritated. I've been irritated since the day they got here. That was Tuesday, it's now Thursday night, they are here until this upcoming Tuesday. My husband has been at work since they got here, but thankfully he'll have Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. Hopefully it'll be better with him around. He's wonderful at making everything better.

It's my dad and my littlest sister that are here. It's only been in the last year that my dad and I have been getting along. My parents divorced when I was a tiny baby so I never really lived with him. I'd visit him once or twice a year, but he's very good at distancing himself from family. He'd send me off to camp, work late and pawn me off on his wife and their two younger children. He's been married and divorced four times now. He'd forget my birthday, forget me at the airport when I'd fly across the country to visit him and forget me at the camp bus stop. Yeah, whatever, boo hoo, my point is that he's just never been that connected with me and we've never been close. Most things about him infuriated me growing up. When I was about 17 and finally had a say I cut him off from my life completely for a few years.

But, after I had Turtle, things changed bit by bit. He showed a real interest, started remembering things about me, came out to visit... We could actually have a conversation and I actually started liking things about him. For the past year he has been consistently there for me. He's never done that before. It has been nice.

The last time he came to visit was in July. He came out with my middle sister and her boyfriend and we all went camping and I had a really nice time. We had fun, I liked having him around, I was really sad to see him go.

So why are things so different now? This evening he asked if there were any more paper towels and it got under my skin. I get irritated at his choice of spoon. Maybe it's something to do with my sister. The middle sister (the one who was here last time) is fun and easy going and helps out. The sister here this time is 19 and is enormously self-absorbed and pretty obnoxious in her own way. And she can ruin ANY movie. Tonight we were watching the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie and she was constantly making surly comments illuminating all the reasons she liked the original movie better. She would groan and moan at every scene. Great, honey, can you keep your misery to yourself? I ended up going up to bed before it was over.

And I'm tired and pregnant and easily irritated anyway. I wish my husband were here. And they are being impossibly loud downstairs, banging doors and waking the baby. Shut up and go to sleep!

With that lovely thought, I leave you. Send me patient vibes and thoughts of acceptance and love!

I'm Still Here

2005-12-23T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm just sick and busy. This cold turned out to be really bad. On my lungs, especially. Made it impossible to sleep. I'm still sleeping sitting up, but I'm feeling a little better. I also think I broke my toe this morning. I broke my left big toe some years ago - I tripped on something in my room and landed on my toe while it was folded under. I broke the bone in two places and snapped the nail at the base of the nailbed. I had to go to the emergency room because I was gushing blood through the nail. There wasn't a whole lot they could do about the bone - it's hard to set a toe - but they patched up the nail as best they could and gave me drugs. I did pretty much the same thing this time, except I did it to my right big toe and I didn't snap the nail. There's no bleeding and I'm pregnant so I can't take the good drugs, so I don't really see any reason to go to the doctor. I'm pretty good with pain - I can deal with a lot before it starts to get to me.

Although, a broken toe is nothing compared to the constipation I've been dealing with in the last week! Okay, they might be equal. But I've been on Metamucil for days. While pregnant your body slows down digestion so you get every last nutrient out for the baby. With Turtle I pooped less often, but it never became a problem. This time, I don't know what's going on, but it seems like the poop has turned to glue and is hanging on for dear life. At my nurse's advice I started eating almost entirely beans, legumes and veggies, I cut out almost all red meat and bulky carbs and I'm taking this awful Metamucil. That was a week ago! Things just started getting better yesterday. I had my first easy poop in a week and a half yesterday afternoon. When you woke up this morning, weren't you just really hoping that you could read about my poops?

Because of this cold (and my best friend coming to visit) I have finished only one of my presents! I started with my mom's husband's present and then I got sick and that was the end of that. So, this Christmas I will just have to tell my husband and my mother and my mother-in-law what I plan on giving them.

The problem is, I can't sew around Turtle. He'll fuss with the machine, push down the pedal, steal my scary-sharp fabric scissors... I have to wait until he's asleep to sew and when he's asleep it's all I can do to clean up, eat something and go to bed.

But while he's awake, I can do stuff downstairs, like in the kitchen (BAKE!) or the living room or whatever. And I've had this manic nesting energy. In the last two days I made (beautiful) curtains for the kitchen window, bought and hung curtains in Turtle's room, hung curtains in the living room (I still have two windows left I'm deciding about), polished the fucking silverware, and all kinds of other little cleaning/organizing/home improvement projects. I can't stop moving. Until he's asleep and then I pass out.

The in-laws are coming over for dinner tomorrow night, then there's dinner at my mom's house the following night, then I have a day and a half to recover and my dad and sister are coming out to visit for a week. I'm already exhausted.

Cough, cough.

2005-12-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

Still ridiculously busy. I should be normal again in a week. Have accomplished almost nothing, though. I'm not sure what's going on here.

Well, for starters, a one and a half year old is MUCH different than a one year old. In the last month my child has gone crazy. Or someone replaced him with the devil's spawn. But, this is NOT my sweet baby. He grew a few inches, which didn't help, because now he can reach a lot of things he couldn't before. And climb up on shit he couldn't before. And he's a little smarter, too, so he can figure out more complicated shit to do to make me crazy. And crazy I am! There is no baby-proofing this house anymore. He'll rip through the baby locks, pull down the gates and climb up on the furniture.

It also doesn't help that I have a cold. And I think Turtle is getting it, too, which sucks, because I just got him back to sleeping well. And now it starts allll over again.

The in-law saga just went on and on. I wrote a few posts ago how they were weeping when my husband emailed them to say we could come to dinner on the 22nd instead of the 24th because husband had to work. Oh, the drama that ensued. They really flipped out and it made me nauseous. More nauseous than I am already. We brought up all kinds of solutions for them, but nothing satisfied them. They had to be completely happy or it was nothing. Fuck the fact that Husband is no longer their little boy, but my husband and Turtle's father first and foremost. Then he can be their son, but his first obligation is to the people in this house. So, after many tears and phone calls and emails and guilt trips and DRAMA, we settled on them coming over here for Christmas Eve dinner. I didn't really feel like spontaneously hosting Christmas Eve dinner for seven, but they said they would bring the food and "take care of everything." Mmm. Who, I wonder, is going to clean up after these people? I'm betting it's me. I already spend most of my day cleaning this house when it's just the three of us going about our business. Well, fuck it. I can't really handle the in-laws right now. They came over Saturday to babysit and it was all I could do to say hi to them when they walked in. I didn't even say good night when we got home - I just went straight upstairs and let my husband deal with them.

I still have all these presents to make, and I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to get that done in the next few days. Especially with a crazy maniac for a child. My best friend is coming for a few days tomorrow, as well. Um. This year, my dear family, I give you all this... um... this flashlight - to find your way when you are lost, and this... stapler - to keep it all together and this... toy truck - to nurture the kid in you.

Basically, I'm losing it. I'm going crazy. I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm wayyyy too busy and I'm annoyed and I'm still pregnant and nauseous. Happy holidays.

16 Week OB Appointment

2005-12-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Man, these are going by fast. Went in today for my monthly appointment. Went well. They don't do much these days besides weigh me, take my blood pressure, feel around to see how big the baby is and listen to its heartbeat. I've only gained 3 pounds so far, which isn't very much at all, but I'm sure it will all even out at the end. While my nurse had the wand on my belly listening to the heartbeat the baby kept kicking at the wand. Thump, thump, thump, WHOMP, thump, thump, thump, thump, WHOMP.

Oh, Puh-leese

2005-12-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

My in-laws are insane. I got home about noon today from playgroup and there was a very somber message from Husband's dad - Hi, uh, [Son], um... please call us as soon as you get this. We, uh, really need to talk. Then a second message - Um, [Son], it's your dad, um, I'll be leaving soon, so please call. We really need to find a way to get together. Etc, etc, etc. I didn't even finish listening to the message, I put Turtle down and called them right away (Husband's at work.) I thought Husband's ailing grandmother was dead, or had been given a week to live. In my head I'm calculating how long it will take to get Turtle in the car, over to Husband's job to pick up Husband and down to where his grandparents live. Husband's mother picks up the phone, crying. I said, "Is everything okay, it doesn't sound like it," and she sobs, "We just really wanted you guys here for Christmas Eve." I paused and said, "Oh, Jesus, I thought somebody died." Husband's work put out the holiday work schedule a few days ago and Husband has to work Christmas Eve. So he emailed them last night and asked if we could come over on the 22nd, instead of the 24th. Mother-in-law (MIL) went on about how this was so important to them and she rattled off a list of 20 names of people who were going to be there and now WE WEREN'T COMING. I have a thousand responses running through my head, the first of which would be, CUT THE CORD, LADY. Husband is a grown, married man, he has his own family now, she can't be so obsessed with his every move and she can't guilt him into every little thing. Okay, she has 20 people coming over, now she'll have 18. It's not like she's going to be sitting alone, abandoned on a remote island. And we can see her two days earlier! AND, the whole point of us not coming was that HUSBAND IS WORKING. It's not like we just decided we didn't feel like coming over and we'd rather go see a movie instead! What is Husband supposed to do?? The entire office wants that day off, should they close down the business because MIL is crying? Get a fucking life, lady. Stop living through your son. Instead I said, "Um, okayyyy..." She chokes back a few more sobs and says that her husband will be able to talk about this but he's at work and when will Husband be home. I say later this evening and she asks exactly when and I said 8 o'clock. She said a few more things about FIL calling Husband later and I hung up without saying good-bye.

I called my mom next and related the conversation with her. She echoed my, "Oh, puh-leese" sentiment and gave me a few tips on how to handle it.

I then called Husband at work to give him a heads up that his parents are crying. He asked about what and I said Christmas Eve and he said, "Well, I can't do anything about the fact that I'm working that night so they'll get over it. Or they won't, but there's nothing I can do." Which made me feel very relieved. He does tend to feel very guilty about his parents so I was worried this one was really going to get to him. I tend to take the more reasonable and less emotional approach with stuff like this and I get really frustrated with all of MIL's guilt trips. I just don't have to deal with this kind of stuff from my family. My mom has her own life and she sees me when she sees me. Which is often now that I live in the same city as her, but it didn't always used to be that way. And I have no qualms about telling my dad exactly how it's going to be and he goes along with it, appreciative, I'm sure, that someone is telling him what to do.

So, I've now washed my hands of it. I'm not going to get into it with his parents, but I'm not going to put up with it if they unload it on me. I'm going to support Husband with what he feels he needs to do, if anything and try my best to ignore the whole thing. I'll go over there for dinner when I'm supposed to go over there for dinner, but I tell you, my patience for them is running thin.

Pregnancy Update

2005-12-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm sixteen weeks pregnant now, and it seems an appropriate time for another update. Hey, I've been feeling the baby move! For a week now. It just feels like my uterus is carbonated. Like the baby cracked open a soda. Little tiny rolling movements. I've been through this all before, I guess I thought it wouldn't be so weird the second time around. Even after a whole baby popped out the first time, it's still hard to believe there's an actual baby in there again. It's just a weird thing. But, now that I can feel it move around, it is a little more real. A little.

And I'm pretty obviously pregnant. I have quite the belly on me and nothing extra anywhere else (yet), so it looks like a pregnant belly, not a fat belly. Oh, and I leaked a little milk the other day. I was having some trouble with what felt like a clogged milk duct and as I was investigating some came out. And then it felt better, so that was good, but it was SO WEIRD seeing the milky stuff come out. I nursed Turtle for over a year and it still seems foreign to me.

I'm still nauseous, which SUCKS BALLS. I threw up yesterday. And you want to know something weird? Turtle immitates me when I throw up and yesterday he immitated me so forcefully he actually threw up himself! I didn't see it because I was busy, well, puking, but my husband smelled it on him a little later and accused me of puking on the baby! I insisted that I did not puke on the baby and then we found his puke pile in the hallway. But, my nausea is less persistent. It goes away for whole chunks of time. It's worse in the morning when I haven't eaten all night, but as long as I keep eating I do okay.

But besides that, I'm pretty normal. Just trying to wrap my brain around the idea that there's a whole new person in there.

Fucking Holidays

2005-12-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am so absurdly busy. It didn't help that Turtle went on an eating and sleeping strike last week following his cold. Not sure what was up with him, but he seems to be over it now. But it left me a cranky, tired mess during the day and I have all this CRAP TO DO! No one better ask me for any favors until after the holidays. I'm sewing a bunch of crap for people for christmas presents. I sew, you know? I sell my crap for a bundle of money, so people like getting them as gifts. I'm sewing stuff for FOUR PEOPLE this year. Motherfucker. I'm also baking a boatload. Which is what I've been doing for the last three days. Complicated little assorted cookie treats bundled up in little baskets. Do I think I'm Martha Stewart? What the fuck is wrong with me? So, all of my mommy friends in my son's playgroup are getting cookie baskets, as well as all my family members. And I picked absurdly hard treats. That take all day. I don't have time for this crap! I'm going to try and get the rest of my Christmas shopping done tomorrow. And I'm going to finish the cookie baskets for the playgroup moms tomorrow. So maybe I'll feel better after tomorrow's done.

In short, I'm just reallybusy. I have all this sewing and baking to do, on top of all the normal crap I have to do. So, that's where I'll be: in the kitchen and in front of my sewing machine. I have, what, two weeks left to get all this done? Not to mention I have a friend coming to stay next week (I'm going to put her to work baking, he he), my dad and sister coming to stay later on and my birthday to celebrate next week. I'm just never going to finish.

Scary Noises

2005-12-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

I can't watch scary tv when I'm by myself. I can't watch scary movies at all. Remember 28 Days Later? The one with the scary monkey people? Oh fuck, that scared the crap out of me. I lived way out in the middle of nowhere when I saw that movie - I had to drive an hour to the theater and the whole drive home I thought scary monkey people were going to jump in front of my car. There were no street lights where I lived and the nearest house wasn't that near. It took me months before I could walk from the car to the house at a normal pace at night. Now I live back in the city again with neighbors close by and lights on the street. And a garage! Boy that makes a difference at night, to just drive straight into your house. So, I hardly ever get spooked anymore. Anyway, I was watching Ghost Whisperer out of boredom the other week. Not scary, right? I mean, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt helping ghosts come to terms with some part of their previous life so they can move on to the happy place. Except on one episode they were dealing with those electronic ghostly transmissions or whatever they call them - where you can supposedly hear ghosts talking over the static in a radio or tv or something. So my crazy brain latched onto that concept and is running with it. I have a baby monitor downstairs for when Turtle is asleep upstairs in his room. And now I hear spooky noises over the monitor. Turtle is a noisy kid when he sleeps. He moves around a lot and murmurs and coughs and snores and whimpers and sometimes makes little squeeky noises like he's being strangled. Before I didn't notice the noises, now I'm convinced horrible things are going on up in his room. Sometimes I even hold the monitor up to my ear, trying to make out if there's someone actually up in his room. Every once in a while I go up there and check on him - usually when he makes the strangling noises. I blame it on my husband. He's been working a lot of late evenings recently - which is nice because he's around all morning and I get more chances to sleep in - but I get a little weird and lonely at night sometimes when he's gone a lot. And then I watch scary ghost tv and get all worked up.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share.

What Nausea?

2005-12-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

Things must be looking up. I thought to myself today as I was picking up around the house, "I like being pregnant." And then I thought I must have accidentally slipped myself some drugs with lunch. Like it? Like it? Well, the reason for my improved outlook on pregnancy is the gradual decrease in nausea. HALLELUJAH, PRAISE THE LORD. Today, I only had nausea when I waited too long before eating. A couple episodes of hunger-induced nausea. And I'm starting to show! But I'm not at the uncomfortable stage yet. I can still sleep on my back. Which I needed to do last night after Husband BROUGHT TURTLE TO BED with us. He was crying. Big deal. He'll get over it in a few minutes. But husband brought Turtle to bed with us and there he slept for the next 4 hours, until morning. I use the term "slept" loosely. Turtle was fine until he noticed I was there, too. He was fiddling with the ticklish part of my arm, trying to take over my pillow, stroking my face, and otherwise being very sweet, but very wakeful. Husband was snoring peacefully over on his side of the bed.

I got my first "you must be pregnant" comment yesterday from someone who didn't know. I asked my husband after I got dressed in the morning, "You're going to love answering this, but do I look fat or pregnant?" He swore up and down I looked pregnant, but I wasn't convinced. And then a woman at my mom's store said, "Oh, you look like you're expecting again!" Which I thought was pretty balsy, because while it's true, I feel like I really could have looked just fat.

Oh, and my shiny, new, red KitchenAid is en route to its new home! But it will have to sit under the tree until Christmas. Aarggh!

Tree

2005-12-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

We went yesterday and cut down our christmas tree! We have a little family tradition of driving an hour or so away, eating at an impossibly old out-of-the-way roadhouse and driving a little farther away to a christmas tree farm to cut down our own tree. I run around the lot, find a tree slightly too big for the house and Husband cuts it down. I used to cut the tree down when I was a kid, but I've passed the fun on. Pretty soon I'm sure Turtle will want to take that over. Yay, a three year old with a saw should be fun. The tree is ridiculously big, but it's perfect and full and so pretty!

That's my Turtle!

Christmas Spirit

2005-12-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

This is what I'm asking for, for Christmas. Isn't it so pretty? Yes, I recently adopted a 10 year old Sunbeam mixer, but it's just not the same. It flings the food out the top and you spin the bowl itself, rather that the whisky things spinning inside the bowl. Hard to spin the bowl and add ingredients. Anyway, the inlaws are getting me some Silpat mats, so I'll be baking up a storm come Christmas time. Ooh, and I'm getting a Sirius satellite radio for my upcoming birthday. Ah, the holidays.

Banana Bread Results

2005-11-29T11:35:00.000-08:00

The banana bread was a huge success, so I'll post the recipe. It's Martha Stewart's Banana Bread. My changes were like I said in the last post, that I was almost out of sour cream (and the only stuff we had was light, yuck) so I used half light sour cream and half yogurt. Other than that I did it the same and it cooked up just the way it said it would. It's really good and moist and a little sweet. My husband loves it and wants me to make a loaf that he can take to work. My mom is finding her grandmother's recipe so I'll make that and see how it compares (it doesn't use sour cream) and my friend coincidentally ended up making banana bread yesterday, too, but hers is a more healthy recipe so I'll try hers as well. I'll get back to you with the winner. I love banana bread!

Banana Bread

2005-11-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

Ahh... relaxing to the sounds of the baby shrieking over the monitor.

He won't sleep. And I can't hold him all night long just because he's sick. He's drugged up with baby tylenol, my mom came over for a bit tonight so I could get a break and she snuggled with him for a long time (she has the magic touch) but even that didn't work. Hey, silence. I wonder how long that will last. At this point, I really believe just letting him cry it out will be the fastest - oops, more crying - route to him sleeping. Which he really needs. He has barely slept in days. And I can't skip dinner again.

Did I tell you I got a mixer? It ain't no Kitchen Aid cuisinart, but it'll do. Those things are, like, $400! I made bread rolls last week but I don't know if it was my stellar cooking skills (I don't have any) or the stupid recipe, but the damn dough came out so fucking gooey I couldn't roll it or shape it or anything and the "rolls" came out flat. But Turtle loves them so I've been giving them to him. He's like a dog. He eats anything. Food that falls on the floor, leftovers and food we won't eat - even when it's too spicy. He loves spicy and flavorful. He also loves gin. And beer. And wine. My husband gave him beer once and he LOVES it. Husband can't drink it when Turtle's around or Turtle will stalk him and take him down. And he gave Turtle some gin once just to show Turtle that he would hate it but he loved that too. My mom, unwittingly, did the same thing with wine once, thinking that he wouldn't want it anymore once he tried it. Wrong again.

Anyway, my point was that I got a mixer a few weeks ago and today I made banana bread! Kind of hard to fuck up banana bread, I would think. It's still in the oven, so we have yet to find out. But, the recipe had sour cream in it, and true to form I did not have enough, so I used half sour cream half yogurt. So... we'll see, I guess. I've never made banana bread with sour cream in it, seemed a little odd. My mom is digging up her grandma's recipe for me. That shit's goooood. If the banana bread turns out I'll post the recipe. If not, well, I'll never speak of it again. And it's my dinner tonight, so it better turn out. Hey, he's quiet again.

Sick Day

2005-11-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

Turtle is sick. So now I'm sick. Except I'm barfing, too. Turtle isn't sleeping. So now I'm not sleeping. He woke up at 9pm last night. Oh, that was fun. He would scream if I put him down. I was just making dinner for myself when he woke up. I was also watching Desperate Housewives (can't miss my trashy Sunday tv) so I thought it would be nice if I set him up with a little nest on the couch next to me and we could watch TV and I could eat. Seems fun, no? No. I guess not. He wailed when I put him next to me so I held him in my lap while trying to eat dinner. Husband was working a late shift, lucky bastard. At 10:30, after trying numerous times to put him back in his crib, I finally gave up and went to bed with him and we watched Grey's Anatomy in bed. Now, I've trained this boy so well to sleep on his own that he won't sleep any other way. Which sucks in situations like this. When it's bedtime we go through our little bedtime routine and I plop him in his crib while he's wide awake and he either passes right out or he sits quietly for up to a half an hour or longer, sometimes mumbling a little to himself, until he's sleeping. And then he wakes up sometime after 7am. Same for naps. Plop him down and walk away. So, during times like these when he's sick and wants comfort or just can't sleep he will not sleep in our bed. He thinks it's playtime and he babbles and plays and climbs away. At least this time he was still, but it wasn't until after midnight that I could finally get him in his crib so he could sleep. After missing over three hours of sleep one would think he might sleep in just a tad. Hmph. Woke up at 7:30am like nothing had happened.

Other than not sleeping Turtle seems fine. He has a nasty cough and a runny nose, but neither seem to bother him too much. I, however, feel like shit. And I was just starting to feel normal! But, you know what? My whole entire fucking house is still clean! Remember how I went crazy when the boys went off to the in-laws for two days and I cleaned the entire house? That was, like, two weeks ago! I've been doing well with my business orders, too. I added a very small routine that's making such a difference. Every time I put Turtle down to sleep, whether it's a nap or for the night, I go around room by room and put things away. It usually only takes a few minutes but it keeps things clean. The kitchen is what typically backs up first with dirty pots in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher, so I take this time to quickly wash and put away whatever's there. Other than that I just clean up where Turtle eats and put away his toys and I'm done. Somehow this has been doing wonders for my house and barely takes me any time at all.

I'm going to take a nap while Turtle's still sleeping. I can hear him snoring over the monitor, poor kid can barely breathe.

Perfect Baked Potato

2005-11-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

Hey, this is my 100th post. I feel like I should say something witty and inspiring, funny, yet brings a tear to your eye. And leaves you hopeful for the future, ready to take on the world. Instead, I will tell you that I have perfected the baked potato. Well, it's not baked actually, but microwaved. So, it's a steamed potato. But a damn good steamed potato. Better than any baked potato I've ever had. I've been in the mood for bland carbs, easy and quick to make. Like a potato. But haven't wanted to plop one tiny potato into the oven for an hour. So, after some research and experimentation I have found the perfect way to make a soft, moist, perfectly cooked all the way through, potato. (It doesn't have a crispy skin. I don't like crispy skins.) Anyway, here goes. Maybe you'll find it inspiring. It is my 100th post...

--Wash a potato and poke on top and bottom a few times with a fork.
--Put it into microwave, on a dish if you like, but not covered with anything.
--Set the microwave for 5-7 minutes. A good sized potato in my microwave takes 7 minutes.
--When it's done, remove the potato and wrap in tin foil for 10 minutes so it steams itself.
--Squish the sides of the potato a little. If it's not quite soft enough it might need another 30 seconds or so in the microwave. If so, turn over and put back in microwave uncovered. When done wrap in foil for another 5 minutes or so.
--Voila! Perfectly steamed potato!

Holiday Weekend

2005-11-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well, my holiday weekend wasn't too relaxing. On Thanksgiving day husband went off to his grandparents house with his parents. I stayed home with Turtle and we had a nice time. We didn't get out of our pj's and we didn't leave the house. I thought Turtle was going to go crazy, but he actually seemed really content. My husband and I have an agreement where we do Thanksgiving dinner with his parents every other year, and since this was an off year I didn't have to go. And Turtle and I hunkered down indoors all day because I didn't feel like dealing with all the holiday traffic and crowds. I also watched a movie - Crash- which was really intense. Oh, it had me crying! But it was actually a good movie. After it was over I was glad I had watched it. But, I should know better than to watch those really emotional movies alone. Like Beaches.

Turtle got sick that night. NOT FUN. He slept only a few hours - which means we slept only a few hours. He didn't seem too sick, just slightly stuffy and he coughed a few times, but now he's got a fever, a nasty cough and a runny nose. And he's still not sleeping. Or eating much. But he's in pretty good spirits. So we spent the rest of our holiday and what looks like will be the rest of the weekend caring for the sick baby.

As far as the nausea goes there have been times during the last few days that I almost don't feel sick. And a lot of the time I don't really feel pregnant, either. I guess I'm 14 weeks now. I just have a tiny bulge, I certainly don't look pregnant to people who don't know and I can't feel the baby moving around yet. I do pee a lot and when I get up in the morning after I've been lying down all night there is a shifting of insides that's a little odd feeling. Like things are fighting for their new positions. So, I was aching last week for just a moment of feeling normal and by some amazing, beautiful stroke of luck/fate/act of god I'm getting it. The nausea has eased up a bit, I've gotten a lot of my energy back and I haven't yet moved into the "whale" phase of pregnancy - where size becomes an uncomfortable issue. --Heavy exhale--

I'm going to enjoy this little moment of Turtle actually sleeping now. Going to watch an episode of The Shield which I got on DVD from Netflix. I actually really like it, I didn't think I was going to. I think The Wire is better, though.

I Wonder...

2005-11-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there's any part of the body that does not have a specialized doctor dedicated to it. There are podiatrists, ear nose and throat docs, dermatologists, urologists...

Check out this quick letter from Michael Moore about the majority opinions about the war.

Dinner...

2005-11-20T20:42:00.000-08:00

... Isn't going so well. It's sitting on the counter, waiting to be popped in the microwave for a few minutes, but every time I get near it to put it in a microwave safe dish I start to seriously gag. It's just a mess of meat for sloppy joe's, I don't know what's so offensive about it.

Ramblings

2005-11-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

I have decided to become a millionaire. I think that would be fun.

I finished my quilt top today! My mom takes Turtle and I run her shop on Sundays and it's usually really quiet at the store on Sundays so I have time for a leisurely shower and lunch in the morning and then four hours at the shop to work on my own projects. I still have the hard part to do for the quilt, though - pin the top to the batting and quilt back and then quilt it, and then put the binding on. The binding is the easiest thing to do, but the longest, so it gets me frustrated. I'll put up a picture when I get around to taking one.

Do I have a baby? I forget. I remember seeing one around here last week sometime... Turtle went to his grandparents house on Thursday, came back late Friday, I took him to the shop with me on Saturday and my grampa watched him there most of the day and this morning he left about 10am and is now off at some party with my mom. No wonder I'm so well rested. And productive.

The house is still clean!! The entire fucking thing is still totally clean. No dishes to do, no dirt on the floor, the bathroom counters are gleaming... Do I live here? Probably has something to do with that missing baby...

I've been getting a little frustrated recently with the state of my body. I feel like I donated it to science two years ago and I haven't gotten it back. In fact, it will be probably another two years before it's all mine again. It's this damn pregnancy/nursing thing. And now I'm pregnant again. And then I'll be nursing again. And I went straight from nursing #1 to pregnant with #2 with no free time in between. It's just... I can't do anything without first consulting the fetus/nursing baby. Let me explain: I can't eat soft cheeses (listeria) or cold meats or hot dogs or do my power yoga (not supposed to bend certain ways) or lift weights on my back (uterus can't get enough oxygen on my back if I'm exerting myself) or stand too long (aches) or lay too long (cramps) or get up on a stool for something high in the kitchen (a fall would be devastating) or drink more than a glass of wine every so often or eat big fish (mercury) or too much tuna (same reason) or brush my teeth when I'm pregnant without gagging or smell anything at all while pregnant without gagging or lay on my back while in the second half on pregnancy (sooo uncomfortable) or leave a nursing baby for more than a few hours without leaking all over and having to pump milk or pretty much eat anything or move anywhere or do anything at all without first thinking about how it's going to affect the baby in me or the baby nursing from me. And I may be betraying the fact that I'm actually an evil bitch disguised as a slightly frazzled stay-at-home mom, but I'm ready to have my body back. And I'm only three months pregnant. It may be the nausea talking, but I want a weekend where I feel like a normal person with a normal body.

But, some people would give anything to be in my shoes. It takes me a matter of days to get pregnant and I stay that way (with Turtle it was for forty-two weeks). Some people have many miscarriages (like my mom) and some can't even get pregnant at all. Chris over at the barefoot and... blog got pregnant a week after I did and she just found out she lost the baby at 7 weeks. She has to get surgery to get the fetus out of her but they can't schedule it until next week. So, while I bitch and moan about feeling ill and wanting to eat soft cheeses she has to wander around for a week with a dead baby in her. Fuck.

And, there's something I've been keeping from you, dear readers. But, I've come to the conclusion that this is my journal, you are reading my journal, and if you're not a fan of Too Much Information you probably haven't gotten this far. Here's my horrible confession and I would like to hear a guy's point of view on this. (I'm going to not spell a few of the words because I don't want people ending up on this site because they are doing a search for these words.)

My husband looks at p*rn. Big deal, I really don't care. We went to a strip club together before I got pregnant and I got a lap dance by one of the strippers. I'm open to this stuff. The thing is, I found out that he has, a couple of times, emailed a couple pr*stitutes he found online (craigslist and such) about rates or whatever just to have that little bit of personal contact. And that's as far as it goes. My husband has a very healthy sex drive and this is just to add a little kindling to the fantasy, but... it makes me uncomfortable.

Looking at pictures and whatever is fine with me. But when you make that jump to actually making them a real person, I don't know, there's a line there that I feel he crossed. Does that make sense? To me, it's like making out with the girl who gave you a lap dance. The lap dance is one thing, but pushing it a little farther is too far. To me. But I'm a girl. And I'm pregnant. So...

When I talked to him about it, he felt horrible. It hadn't occurred to him that he was doing anything wrong, or doing something that might make me feel bad if I found out. He also said he wouldn't do it anymore. But... Am I crazy?

Sigh

2005-11-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

What a lovely break. What did I do? I cleaned the house. Well, yesterday I sat around feeling nauseas, but today was fantastic. The in-laws were thrilled to get so much Turtle time, Turtle is happy wherever he is, husband got to see his parents and I got to be alone. I slept in till 9am, put everything away, vacuumed every room, cleaned all the bathrooms, mopped the kitchen floor, did the finances, paid the bills, picked out the Sirius radio I'm going to buy (can't live without Howard Stern) put the winter bed spread on the bed and ate lunch when I wanted to, took breaks when I wanted to, and I didn't have to feed the baby, change the baby, or watch the baby. I didn't even really miss the baby. Except when I went into his room at night to close his window shades - I couldn't look at his crib. If I saw the empty crib I was sure I was going to lose it. But besides that I was fine. It's not like he was gone very long. They came home tonight close to 8pm, and boy was it nice to hug my Turtle. He just collapsed in my arms. We snuggled for a little, I gave him his milk then put him to bed. My husband said that every time they went outside or went inside or just changed location Turtle would ask, "Baba?" That's what he calls me. I talked to them last night before bed and Turtle said, "Love you, Baba" OH! So cute.

Tomorrow the house will be a mess again, but today, the entire thing is clean. Feels nice.

Free at Last!!

2005-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

Just sent the boys off to the in-laws for the night! Ahhh... 24 hours of solitary bliss. My mom called yesterday asking when they were leaving and if I could help her out at her shop today. HA! I whined and moaned that it was my ONE day off and she relented. Seriously, this is the first time in Turtle's little life that the boys have left for a whole night.

I'm torn between running around here and getting a whole bunch done that I can't do with Turtle underfoot, and laying on the couch vegging out the whole time. Trying to find a healthy balance that will leave me refreshed, but feel like I accomplished some good stuff. Luckily, three of our Netflix movies were put in the mail yesterday and I've seen the one we still have here, so I can't be sucked into the movie time warp. I could seriously not sleep and spend the whole time watching movies without realizing it, but I don't really like TV, so I won't be spending too much time in front of the tube.

I would like to: sleep in as long as I want tomorrow morning, take a nap today, clean up the house, do some laundry, do a bunch of sewing, go to the grocery store for my crock pot dinner tomorrow (Corn and Clam Chowder!), do the finances and read... That sounds like enough. I really have a lot of sewing to do. And sleeping. Those'll probably take up the bulk of the time. I will not be: exercising or leaving the house unless neccessary. Turtle loves to go on errands and the point is to be doing things I can't do with him around. Like sleep. In fact, now seems like a perfect time for a nap.

4:30pm: They've been gone four hours and what have I done so far? NOTHING. Well, in my defense I was feeling really nauseas when they left so I had to sit around and eat something and let it digest before I could function, but by then I'd sat around for so long that I'd lost momentum. So, I'm going to pick up around the house now. Really, I am. I swear.

Preschool?

2005-11-16T17:57:00.000-08:00

Thinking about putting my boy in a preschool for a few mornings a week. I think it would be nice for him to have some outside structure to his day, to get out and be stimulated in a school environment with other kids his age. He's not quite 1.5 years old and usually only plays with other kids at his weekly playgroup. It would just be for three mornings a week, if we feel like paying for it. It's expensive! But, like I said, I think it would do him good. Although, there's something I'm a little worried about. He's really sweet, what if preschool knocks that out of him? He says "please" and "thank you", he loves to give hugs and kisses, he holds my hand and pets my hair. You know that stranger anxiety kids are supposed to get around 8 months old? He's never had a moment of it. He loves everyone. (This would concern me if he were 7 years old and walking home from school by himself, but he's a toddler and doesn't run around unsupervised.) He also doesn't (yet) get jealous of other kids. At playgroup the other kids will come up to him and scream if he's playing with a toy and grab it away from him. He just looks around for something else to play with. An older girl actually slapped him in the face yesterday because he was playing with a ball she wanted. He frowned and rubbed his ear and walked away. If someone else is playing with a toy he wants he'll actually wait for it. He's very happy, rarely gets upset and likes to follow directions. If I say, "Diaper change," he drops what he's doing and trots upstairs to his room. Will being around other kids who hit and scream make him do that? I partly realize this is a ridiculous fear that should not keep me from enrolling him in preschool, but the irrational part of me is worried I'll lose my sweet baby. Granted, he's very close to being two and I'll probably lose my sweet baby soon enough anyway...

I went over and got info for a preschool in town today. Turtle really liked it there. He ran right in and wanted to go play in the baby room. I could use the free time, too. Especially when the new baby arrives. But it would be almost $500/month. But I liked the place, too. They have schools all over the country, they have a great curriculum, it was all clean and nice. I would feel very comfortable with Turtle there. I would know he was safe and well taken care of. Four hours three days a week. We'll see.

Apple Pie

2005-11-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

Well, the pie was delicious. Turned out just like my mom's. I used this recipe from MarthaStewart.com but with a few tweaks. First of all, they're on crack about this needing 12 apples. Twelve?? Now that's just crazy talk. I used 6 large Granny Smith apples (I've never seen a small Granny Smith) and I had about an apple worth of slices left over that I used to make a bowl of applesauce while the pie was baking. Secondly, I didn't make my own dough. I know, it's kind of cheating, but I don't have a food processor (curses!) which makes it really hard to make some things. Like dough. But, I got some pie dough from Trader Joe's which was yummy and worked just like the real thing. Even comes in a disc shape. Thirdly, I used half white and half brown sugar instead of all white. Fourthly, I forgot to buy a fucking lemon, so I may have substituted some Margarita mix for the lemon. Don't tell anyone. But, the Margarita mix is actually really good stuff and was basically lemon juice, lime juice and sugar. Actually made out of citrus juice, this was. So, it did the trick. I called my mom on her cell phone when I realized I'd forgotten the lemon and I asked, "Would it be wrong to put Margarita mix in my pie instead of lemon juice?" She said yes, it would be very wrong. And weird. Hmph. When she hung up she asked the sales lady at the store what she thought, and she said it definitely wins a prize for cleverness. Fifthly, I doubled the spices and sixthly I didn't use the egg. Seventhly, as you can see from the picture I made the top crust into a criss cross pattern instead of throwing the whole thing of dough over the top. I like it better that way. The apples are what I'm after, all that dough just gets in the way. And it's prettier. And I used a glass pie plate so I could see what the crust looked like on the inside while baking. And it came out beautifully. Margarita mix and all. And now I'm going to have some for dinner. I'd share the pie with you dear readers, but I don't think it would travel well.

12 Week OB Appointment

2005-11-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

Nice morning today. Awful night last night, though. Massive, violent puking. Popped so many blood vessels in my eyelids (they just blend in with my freckles, so you can't really tell), vomit was coming out of my nose, and I was spitting up blood afterwards. It was bad. And I had just told my husband that I was finally feeling better. Don't do that.

Anyway, I met my ob today and I really like him. First of all, I would like to say that my bladder infection is over!!! Thank you very much. It might return, but at least for the moment it is gone. And so far this pregnancy I have lost one pound. I didn't gain any weight while pregnant with Turtle until I was 20 weeks along, though. I also heard the heartbeat today. Which was a little odd. It's still hard to believe there's something alive in there. I was talking to my ob about what he thought about me having a VBAC. I had a c-section with Turtle because he was FUCKING HUGE. Over 9lbs. Wouldn't fit through my pelvis. But, he was also two weeks late. So, this means that I am facing a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC). Which some doctors won't do because they don't want to get sued. There can be complications. But there can be complications no matter how the baby comes out. Anyway, my doctor is all for a VBAC (provided the conditions are right) and he does a lot of successful ones every year. He said we would probably want to induce a little before the due date so the baby doesn't get too big and there was nothing in my history that would suggest I couldn't birth a smaller baby. My last ob said if I could "grow a 7lb baby" I could probably birth it on my own. Which I would kind of rather do, I think. I would just rather not have surgery if I didn't have to. Recovery is longer and there are just risks involved with every surgery. So, if I can do this on my own I would like to. "On my own" meaning with a team of doctors and nurses telling me what to do, painkillers being pumped into my veins on a constant basis and monitors on both sides of my cot. With Turtle I went into the hospital at 3pm on Thursday and didn't get the damn baby out of me until midnight the following night. Motherfucker! I was having contractions every three minutes that hurt like a bitch, but they weren't accomplishing anything. I was induced a couple different ways, had my water broken, threw up twice, waited four agonizing hours for my epidural (that was the worst time of my life. My husband was crying because I was in so much pain.) Turtle started to move back up and I started to swell shut. But, I had a really good experience with the c-section. It's very controlled, very painless, very quick, husband and I were laughing and joking through the whole thing. Turtle was born with a big bruise on his forehead, poor guy, but he was very calm and smiled when the nurses bathed him. Anyway, while the doctor was doing the exam today he started chuckling and said, "Yeah, no 9lb baby is fitting through here." I'll take that as a compliment...

I'm also just starting to "show." I've got a little belly on me now. I'm going to try to remember to take a picture today. I think my breasts are starting to fill out a little bit, too - they've been a little tingly lately. Other than the nausea (which we've all heard about way too much, I know) that's about all that's going on with me physically so far.

Hey, and guess what I did today?

I made me a PIE! It's an apple pie and it looks so fucking delicious. If it actually tastes good I'll say how I made it. If it doesn't taste good forget I ever said anything. In fact, I'm going to eat some of it right now.

On the Menu Tonight?

2005-11-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

PB&J sandwich! However, tomorrow I'm going to bake an apple pie. I hate to cook meals, but I actually like to bake. And I'll probably end up eating that apple pie for dinner tomorrow. Sigh. I made a meal for one of the moms in my playgroup last week who just had her second baby, and it was actually really, really good. It was a corn and clam chowder, cooked all day on the stove. It smelled so fucking good I decided I would have to suck it up and make it for my own family. Ahh, but you know what? I'm getting a mini-vacation this week! Husband and son are going by themselves to husband's parent's house for a night! I basically told my husband I was kicking him and Turtle out for a night, it was up to him where they went. I'm really looking forward to this. So, apple pie Monday, vacation Thursday and yummy chowder Friday. Not half bad. Does it seem like my whole life these days centers around my bladder, food and sleep?

Oh, and I'll be meeting my OB for the first time tomorrow at my appointment! Crossing my fingers that I like him!

What the fuck?

2005-11-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

Am I retarded? I can NOT figure this out. Okay, here's a secret, I'm really smart. I come from a long line of freakishly smart geniuses. And I can't figure out how to add a site feed to my blog. Will someone help me? All I want is to make it so that I can subscribe to the site feed of another blog and a few websites.

Hmm

2005-11-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

Fucking around on the computer is not getting dinner made. I hate it when my husband works late.

9:20pm: Yum. One nice, big 25 oz jar of peaches for dinner. So satisfying and filling. A nutritious and well-rounded meal.

Hi!

2005-11-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not better, but I'm better. I'm officially one day over the antibiotics and that makes me happy. I'm not so sure my urine is "coming out unobstructed" (thank you, Frank McBoob) but I'm over the completely debilitating nausea that pregnancy and amoxicillan combined can produce. Turtle was NO HELP. He did not make me soup, he did not rub my back, he did not make himself dinner, he did not take extra long naps (okay, he did do that for some reason, but he did not sleep in). What's the point of having kids, anyway? And why am I having another one?

I am still concerned about a few things. First, like I said earlier, I don't think I'm over this bladder infection. BUT, I've had a bladder infection for three months now, AND I'm pregnant, so how would I know what the hell normal should feel like? Second, a bladder infection in late pregnancy can cause early labor. While I am only about three months along, so this isn't a concern right now, if this bladder infection persists I might have to be on antibiotics for the rest of my pregnancy. I couldn't handle this. That would just be cruel. Third, a bladder infection that goes on for too long can cause a kidney infection. What exactly is too long? Because I've had this one for three months and that seems too long to me... I'm going in for my 12 week ob appointment on Monday, so they'll check me out then and figure out what to do next.

I feel like I have my spunk back. I feel like a real person again! Hey, I went to a movie on Wednesday. The Weather Man. It was nice running off in the middle of the day and doing something that had nothing to do with babies. It was a good movie. I liked it.

I have to go now and scrounge up something to eat for dinner. Did I mention that I don't cook? Last night I had an english muffin with cream cheese and a bowl of cereal. I also spent an hour and a half talking on the phone with a friend. Maybe I was reliving my college years.

Ugh

2005-11-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

I am NOT well on these antibiotics. They are making me sooo ill. And I thought I was nauseas already. So, for the nearly three months I've been pregnant I've had this bladder infection for the entire time, and this is now the second round of antibiotics. No wonder I've been feeling so shitty! I'm taking a few days to zone out and get through this. I'll be back shortly.

More Antibiotics...

2005-11-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

OB's office just called. They took urine at my last appointment and it turns out I still have that darned bladder infection. So I have to go back on antibiotics, which I was so comfortable with the first time around. At least they caught it and will keep treating it. And probably keep a closer eye on it in the future. Some people are really susceptible to bladder infections and pregnancy just makes it worse. I'm not one of those people - I've only had one before this that went away with some cranberry juice - so I guess I'm just lucky. You know, I had a feeling it was still hanging around.

Winter

2005-11-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

I've been reminiscing a lot recently. Losing myself in distant memories. I think it's the onset of the cold, foggy weather. I love winter, I like the fog and the rain and the dark. Many intensely emotional memories of mine belong to the winter. Rainy weather makes me want to smoke. I haven't smoked in years, but a rainy day brings me right back to high school, hanging out with friends and watching with satisfaction the whoosh of warm breath and smoke. I started smoking before my tenth grade year. That winter was out of control. I was basically left alone by my parents and I hooked up with the "bad" kids and there was hardly a night that didn't involve craziness and debauchery of some sort. I met my ex the winter of my sophomore year in college. I'd just moved into a co-op with 150 students in it. He lived there, too. It was big and dirty and there were non-stop parties and concerts and no one dared use the hot tub unless they were good and drunk. Which we were, most of the time. There was a stage in our kitchen. My roommate set our room on fire. The fire department constantly had to come put out bonfires and other mishaps. I didn't have a place to live for the three winter months leading up to when I moved in there, so I was glad to have a place to land. I met my ex a few days after moving in and we started up immediately. We had a very... intense and tumultuous relationship. He made a bad drunk. Which he was, most of the time. A few winters later we got engaged and I dragged around a massive diamond ring. The following year we broke up and it took several months that winter to kill that relationship dead. I ran a marathon that winter. I was going through this major break up - it was like losing a limb. I was dating all the wrong guys trying to move on, but would find him outside my door, standing in the rain, waiting to take me back to his house and make it right. But I was accomplishing so much with the marathon training, pushing my limits and sticking to my goals and really surprising myself at every turn. I wasn't a runner at all when I started training. It was just something I felt I needed to do. I didn't think I could do it, I didn't really want to do it - I wasn't wild about running - but it felt right, so I didn't think about it and just dove in. He kept knocking me down but I kept picking myself up and gathering the will and energy and self-respect that I needed to finally end it for good. The morning of the marathon it was drizzling and dark and cool and I nearly cried. I was doing it. I could do anything. Shortly after the race I moved a hundred miles away. And met my husband. It was the end of winter.

And now it's heading towards winter again. Newly pregnant just like I was two years ago at this time. My winters are still emotional, but in a way that feels really nice. Cozy and safe. The rain brings on the memories and I sit with them for a while, laughing at the dorky stuff and shaking my head at the stupid stuff. Nodding at the good stuff. My birthday is next month. And I love Christmas. And coming home when it's dark and bundling up when it's cold and hearing the rain hit the windows. I like the gray sky and watching a movie when it's crappy outside. I've always liked winters. Even though sometimes it seemed like someone had stuffed my life in a jar and shook it really hard, I enjoyed it. I liked the uncertainty it all brought, not knowing what was around the next turn. I never unpacked my closet because I never knew when I'd be leaving. And now I really look forward to winters that hold just the opposite. My house and my husband and my baby. Just the sameness of it all. Like an old, smelly teddy bear missing an eye.

Ho, Ho, Hum

2005-11-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

Wait, why does the passing of HALLOWEEN signal the start of CHRISTMAS commercials?! I'd better not see a single glass bulb hanging from a tree or any fake snow until after Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, it's just the commercialization (is that a word?) of Christmas that I burn out on very quickly.

I Hope I'm This Prolific After Death

2005-11-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

I'm occasionally stunned at how many movies and albums 2Pac has made since he died.

Ranting and Raving

2005-11-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

I've already run my mouth off a few times this week, why stop now?

My mom's club is in the process of rewriting it's bylaws so they asked for opinions on who should be able to join - strictly moms; moms and dads; legal guardians; or whoever spends their time with a child - parents, nannies, grandparents, etc. I wrote in suggesting any legal guardian should be able to join saying I would feel better including them with the possible side effect of not being able to carry on about my husband's penis in playgroup, than excluding them and keeping my comfort level at it's highest point. Seemed like a sacrifice I could make so that more of those who need our support could get it. Oh, the horror. One woman expressed how men (husbands) weren't allowed at certain group functions because her religious beliefs kept her from socializing with them. So, running my mouth off again, I (privately, just to the readers of my online journal) suggested that if she has extreme religious beliefs, perhaps she be the one to work around them, instead of making the rest of us accomodate her. I'm sure I've offended, but I feel okay about this. This is my opinion.

So, in the spirit of Mouth Running, I would like to weigh in on one of the propositions on the California state ballot next week. If you are a conservative republican, well, ~~too bad for those who have to deal with you and~~ I suggest closing this window. Damn, I get really bitchy during pregnancy. I do have the ability to get along with conservative republicans on a case by case basis. I worked with one once, and my moms club is ~~infested~~ filled with them. Shit! Okay, I lived in Berkeley my whole life, until a few years ago. I'm very liberal. I STRONGLY believe in the right to choose and gay rights. In fact, I don't even think gay rights should be an issue. If certain churches have decided they don't want to marry gay people, that's their right. Fine. But, we've already established the separation of church and state, and I can't think of ANY reason a gay person should not be able to get married or have EXACTLY the same rights as a straight person, except that "it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," (~~such bullshit~~ - ohmygod, I can't stop) THUS, a court of law, seeing as how it's not a court of God, should not have the ability to say they will not let a gay person marry. Anyway, there's a prop on the ballot saying that teenage girls need to go to court, inform their parents and endure a waiting period to get an abortion. OH, PLEASE. Exactly what are we after?? Have they SEEN the parents of a lot of these teens who get knocked up?! Do they really believe this is going to help the teen, to have to go to a judge, delay the process and get her parents involved? It would be very unfortunate if a girl did not feel able to talk to her mom or dad if she was having an abortion. I would feel greatly sad that this girl lived in such a situation, but it happens, and it's not always a good thing to involve the parents. They may be abusive or neglectful or otherwise present a danger to the child if she told them. We are going to end up with more teen parents, more back alley abortions (and all the consequences that come with those) and more dead and abandoned babies in public restrooms. WHO CARES, right? All they are after is restricting someone's, anyone's, ability to get an abortion. Yeah, start with teens, make it harder for them, that will pave the way for making the whole thing illegal. Disgusts me. IF THE POINT IS that we provide a young girl with the support she so desperately needs in such an emotional time, and she can't go to her parents, perhaps the law should state that she be required to talk to an approved counselor. Schools and abortion clinics should be required to have them. If we are actually out to help the girl, THIS is what we should do, not throw her at her parents and a judge and tell her to figure it out. Clearly, we are not out to help the girl. We are out to restrict abortions. Fuck. Oh, and you know the kicker? I keep getting these horrible phone calls - prerecorded messages from the republicans - with moving music in the background and a father saying his daughter and her boyfriend went to Planned Parenthood and he got a phone call as she was dying as a side effect from her abortion and he got to her bedside and she opened her eyes and looked at him one last time, if only he knew ahead of time she was going to have an abortion. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! Is what I scream into the phone every time I get one of those. Who do you call to get them to take you off their phone list? At least when it's some guy selling tickets to the policeman's ball you tell him this is the third time you have told them to go away and you will drag their ass to court next time.

Oh, I know, I know! Let's preach abstinance in schools, NOT teach kids how to use a condom, not make condoms even available to teens and make abortions illegal! That'll really show those lazy sinners. Ooh, ooh, we should also restrict welfare for those poor slobs who do find themselves with unwanted children and no way to support them. At last, a real solution.

Anyway, that's my offensive rant for the day. And, if you feel like leaving me a comment that I am going to go to hell or whatever for my beliefs, SAVE IT, I don't ~~care~~ give a shit.

Quickly

2005-11-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

I've been throwing up. Yay. Nauseas and tired. I got pissed off really easily today, at everything. Went in to get my labs done for my 12 week ob appointment today. Really annoyed at the closed-minded opinions of my "friends" in my mom's club. Ugh. One woman chooses not to socialize with men due to religious reasons, therefore our husbands can't attend certain functions. How about if you're crazy, you be the one not to attend certain functions. She's uncomfortable around married men without their wives around. She says an attraction might form. Woah. Does she go to a grocery store? I hear (I don't actually go to one myself, either) there are men there, too. I know I fall for every man I come in close proximity to. Going to bed.

Big, Bad List

2005-10-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on October 15th. I was feeling very low and I listed all the things that I wanted to do that would make me happier:

"I want a clean room, a clean kitchen, a clean garage, to finish up my work load, to set up the baby room, to make a little side money for a nice camera, to put up pictures on the wall, to get back into a cleaning routine so I'm not constantly playing catch up, to work on the projects I've been wanting to do since I started my business, to get organized with the stuff I need to do so I'm not constantly behind, to exercise again... "

So, here's an update on each one:

Clean room: I cleaned my room! It's slightly messy from my last sewing project and there are a few clothes around, but it's clean and I'm happy. Clean kitchen: I did a great job cleaning the kitchen and kept it that way for a good while, but in the last two days I haven't done much cleaning so it's getting a little messy again. Not too bad. Easily fixed. Finish up my work load: I've done great things! I finished my lingering order, got back in the swing of things, and updated my schedule to reflect the changes. PHEW! I feel great about that. Baby room: I put all the furniture in there and set it all up. Not much else to do. Buy myself a camera: Ha ha, yeah right. There's no way, no matter what I do, that we could afford a thousand dollar camera right now. It's okay. It's good to have dreams. Pictures on the wall: Okay, I've done nothing. No decorating. We've lived here for 7 months and there's very little on the walls. So be it. I plan to get to that when I'm done with my work load. Cleaning routine: It doesn't include much, but I've settled into a routine to keep the house maintained. It would be nice to regularly clean the bathrooms and such, not just when they need it, but I regularly vacuum and pick up which is good for now. Personal projects: Check! Working on a quilt top and a jacket and some other things. Feeling good. Organized to keep ahead: Yeah, I did that. I organized my papers and it's easy to see what needs to be done. Not that I'm really doing any of it, but I'm organized, and that was the plan. Exercise: Thanks to my mom and husband I'm actually doing this one. My mom drags me on a walk once a week (like big fat major walks) and then takes me out for breakfast afterwards =D and my husband makes me go on smaller more frequent walks. Even when I tell him I hate him and to leave me alone. Like yesterday. I kicked and hid and pouted and yelled but he made me. And it wasn't so bad.

So that was my big, bad list of looming responsibilities and sources of guilt. I feel much better. It's good I don't have anything real to worry about. I surely would go off the deep end.

Some Days You Should Not Leave The House

2005-10-31T15:09:00.000-08:00

This day has been all wrong.

Went to my doctor's office to get a flu shot. They were a bumbling mess from the beginning. Not to mention the crazy person who almost hit my car while she was backing down the street and in front of the driveway I was in the middle of pulling in to. Anyway, they tried charging a $25 copay for the flu shot. First of all, my copay is $20, and there is no copay for a flu shot. Then, I'm waiting forever in the waiting room, even though I specifically got the first appointment (9am) of the day so I could avoid that. Then, I'm waiting forever in the exam room. While waiting, I hear the doctor arrive to work. Um, Jackass, my appointment was supposed to start 10 minutes ago. After he chit chats for a while with the nurses in the hall about his daughter who graduated in '99 from the local high school and isn't that funny that the nurse graduated that same year (no) he sees another patient. All he has to do is walk in and look at me and say, "okay," and the nurse can give me the shot. After he's in there with the other patient for 15 minutes I get fed up. Why should we remain silent, closed up in the waiting room and not complain while they waste our time? Why is it such taboo to say something about it? So I go out in the hall and tell my nurse my appointment was at 9am and I'm going to need to go pretty soon. She asks if I want to reschedule and I told her I didn't feel like coming back and waiting another hour. That I heard him chatting in the hallway, maybe he could have chatted with me first. I sit in the exam room for another 15 minutes. I go out, talk to my nurse again and ask isn't there another doctor in the building who could okay this, it's a flu shot. Not rocket science. She says okay (as if that means anything) and suggests I wait in the exam room. This is when the doctor finishes his previous appointment. He chats again in the hallway for a while then comes in and says, "No, no, no, no, no, no vaccines during pregnancy." I told him my ob highly recommends it as well as my pediatrician and The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the US Public Health Service. During all trimesters. So he goes into his office and I hear him call one of the ob's at the other office. "Oh, recommended during all trimesters? Okay, great." So he walks in, says, "I'm glad you came today, I learned something! Okay, you can have the flu shot." And walks away. The nurse comes in with the needle and I'm afraid she's put malaria in it, or something. Sigh.

(Added Later:
Normally I'm a very nice person. I do not get my kicks being rude to people who are just doing their job. I was nearly fed up with this doctor's office already and this was the last straw. I get that delays are inevitable in a doctor's office. But, in a place where you as a patient are expected to show up early and if you are more than 10 minutes late don't bother showing up at all because they will give your appointment away, I expect the doctor to show some respect for me and my time and at least show up to work on time! Not to saunter in when I should already be in my car, on my way home, with nary an apology. Guh. Okay, I'm over it. Moving on. And looking for a new doctor.)

We ordered burritos for lunch. As we pull in to the restaurant we see a new sign in the window saying, Cash Only. Sigh. Off to the bank. The ATM's are down and my husband's bank has a really annoying procedure you have to go through to get cash from a teller. Ten minutes and an awkward conversation with a disgruntled teller (bitching under his breath about the other tellers) later, we arrive at the restaurant. Where they moan about accepting a twenty. With a heavy sigh she pulls out a one from the tip jar to use as change. Okay, if you're going to require Cash Only, have enough cash on hand to make change! As we get in the car my husband says, Some days you shouldn't leave the house. Amen.

Time Change

2005-10-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

So, you know how we gained an extra hour last night? This pleases most everyone except those with young children at home, who have no way of knowing not to wake up an hour early. I was so desperately in need of the extra hour of sleep but knew there was no way I could convice Turtle not to wake up at 6am. But, by some beautiful, amazing stroke of luck, or perhaps he knows how to tell time already and could tell it wasn't 7am yet, Turtle slept for an extra hour last night. Like he knew. Bless this child.

And I slept SO WELL last night, too. I finished my next order! This is major news. (I work at home and I'm very behind on my work schedule. This pregnancy has me wiped out at night and it's nearly impossible to get anything done. If you've been reading this blog you know how horrible this is making me feel) This was a huge weight off my shoulders. I've been so anxious about it all and I have to get up to pee a million times a night I really just haven't been sleeping. But last night I really slept for the first time in months. It felt so good.

AND, I had 7 blissful hours without Turtle today. Don't get me wrong, I adore the little booger, but I love Sundays when he goes off to church with my mom (I'm a heathen) and I work at my mom's store for a couple hours and do my own projects. It's very quiet there on Sundays and I'm usually alone to sew. Oh, I live for Sundays. I just started sewing a jacket today. (It's the blue one on the top right) Well, I just cut all the pieces out which took me 2.5 hours. No sewing yet.

Anyway, to sum up I had a great, relaxing day. I also found a new obsession. It's called Sudoku. I'm hooked.

Oh, crap. It's 10pm and I forgot to eat dinner. And Grey's Anatomy is on. I love Grey's Anatomy.

How I'm Feeling These Days...

2005-10-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

nyar nyar barf barf. puke. puke. pee sleep pee sleep pee sleep. yawn.

Pregnancy Update

2005-10-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

9weeks 5days

I threw up for the second time last night. At midnight. Husband had just come home from work and I greet him by puking in the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink! Gross. He didn't comment, he just rubbed my back then made me some chicken broth. I'm ill all day, every day, but rarely throw up. It sucks, the throwing up, but actually, I think I do feel a little better once I'm done.

I was so nauseas this morning at 5am. I woke up to pee and then couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour. Turtle woke up at 7am. I ignored it and he stopped, but he was crying off and on for 45 minutes before I finally got up.

BUT - you know what I did last night? I worked on my next work order. In fact, I'm almost done with it! I feel ridiculously bad for how long it has taken me, but I'm really proud of myself for working on it so much last night and getting so much done. It's really beautiful, very well made, if I wasn't such a shmuck I'd be proud of my work. Anyway, one more night of working on it and it'll be out of the way and then I'll figure out my schedule for completing the rest of my orders. Phew!

I feel more awake at night these days. I think working on my quilt helped ease me back into things. Also, though, my husband has been letting me sleep in a lot, which makes it easier to be up after Turtle goes to sleep, but that means I go to bed later even when I have to get up early and then days like these really suck because I'm so tired.

Well, off to deal with a tired clingy baby. Yay.

I Bitch and Moan and He Hugs and Laughs

2005-10-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Evening:

Me: (Theatrically collapsing on barstool in kitchen) I'm so mean to you!

Husband: (Laughs, puts down dish towel, rubs my back)

Me: Why do you put up with it?

H: (Hugging me) I know you're not serious.

Me: I tell you a hundred times a day that I don't like you and I hate you and you respond by offering me food!

H: (Laughing) If you're grumpy I just figure you might be hungry.

(Pause)

H: Are you serious? If so I might have to put up with it differently.

(We both laugh)

Earlier That Day:

H: Come on, baby, lets go on a walk.

Me: I hate you.

H: Right, but you'll feel better in the fresh air.

Yesterday Evening:

H: Want some chicken broth and some crackers?

Me: I hate you.

H: Some Ginger Beer, then?

Me: Okay.

In Bed:

H: Good night, baby, I love you.

Me: I hate you. (Feeling guilty:) I'm just joking.

H: (Kisses me goodnight) I know.

I take out my grumpiness on my husband, who laughs it off. I moan and sigh and collapse and whine and he feeds me and loves me and hugs me and laughs at me. I totally don't deserve him.

Quiz-ical

2005-10-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by DJ Flowerz! Sniffle, sniffle, I feel so special. =)

2 Names You Go By
1. Baby (By my husband)
2. Baba (By my baby - supposed to be "Mama")

2 Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish
2. Hmm... Scotts-Irish (I'm very freckled)

2 Things that Scare You
1. The Dark
2. George Bush

2 of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Body Lotion (It's dry freckled skin)
2. The Internet (OH, I'm such a nerd)

2 Things You are Wearing Right Now
1. My Old Navy Maternity Jeans
2. Socks (I hate shoes, but I'm always in socks)

2 of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Nightmares on Wax
2. I don't know why this is so hard, so I'll just say Taja Sevelle with the caveat that this applies to this very second

2 of Your Favorite Songs (at the moment)
1. Take on Me - Aha
2. Weak Become Heroes - The Streets

2 Things You Want in a Relationship (Other than Real Love)
1. Kindness
2. Laughter

2 Truths
1. I Make a Great Friend
2. I Suck at Making Friends (I've been told I'm very intimidating and unapproachable)

2 Physical Things that Appeal to You (In the Opposite Sex)
1. Broad shoulders
2. Nice hands

2 of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Sewing and Anything Else Art-y
2. Sunday NY Times Crossword Puzzles and Anything Else Puzzle-y

2 Things You Want Really Badly
1. To Feel Caught Up
2. To Grow Old, Happily, With My Husband

2 Places You Want to Go on Vacation
1. Kauai
2. Cozumel

2 Things You Want to Do Before you Die
1. TRAVEL (I've never left the states. Not even to Mexico.)
2. Raise My Children

2 Ways You are Stereotypically a Dude/Chick
1. I cry at commercials (and everything else sappy)
2. I asked my husband and he said: I can't have enough handbags or shoes, I'm pregnant - he said that was pretty girly, I'm smarter than all of the guys around me - I wouldn't have thought that was a necessarily a girly trait, I'm afraid of the tiniest bug and I quilt.

2 Things You are Thinking About Right Now
1. The Fact that I'm Nauseas
2. How Behind I Am on My Work Schedule

2 Stores You Shop At
1. Old Navy
2. Target (I wish it was more glamorous than that, but I buy a lot of diapers)

2 People I would like to see take this quiz
1. Chris at barefoot and...
2. Moose at Moose in the Kitchen
(None of whom read this blog, but that's the answer)

Grrrr....

2005-10-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

If you were 15 months old and you wanted to seriously annoy your mother by hiding the TV remote so she's stuck watching a show on fishing unless she wants to get off the couch, WHERE WOULD YOU PUT IT?? However, in my quest for this illusive remote I did find the basting brush he so cleverly put under the refridgerator. I guess all is not lost. Well, back to my fishing show.

Last Night's Dream

2005-10-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

In my dream last night I had the baby and it was a beautiful little girl. She was born in the morning. Later that day we were lying on our big comfy bed, basking in warm sunlight and the little girl took a nap. We hadn't yet named her, she was only 12 hours old. And then she died. She just let go and died. No reason, she just stopped living. I was so horrified. I cried and cried. I decided we had to name her so that she wasn't buried as an anonymous person. I suggested Emily, but we really liked that name, it was a shame to waste it on a dead baby, so we named her Christina, our second choice, I guess. I had to sit down and email everyone I knew that the baby had died and her name was Christina. The dream just went on forever and I kept crying.

Ew

2005-10-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so disgusted by some of the ways some people find this site. Like, yesterday someone searched for "fucking in diaper" and wound up on MY SITE. Granted, my son is right now making out with the stove door, but COME ON, this is just wrong.

Pregnancy Update

2005-10-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

9 weeks today
I'm tired. Can't say with enough emphasis that I'm am so fucking exhausted. I thought my nausea was letting up but today it is reallllllly bad. I can't move without wanting to vomit. I'm a zombie, barely functioning. Well, no, actually, I'm functioning a lot better than I have been. In fact, I'm almost ready to start working on my home business again! This is a major milestone. I have cleaned the entire house in the last few days - if it could fit in the washing machine, there it went and if it was downstairs and made out of carpet it was vacuumed - and I feel energized and clean and happy. Happier. I still have my moody evenings, but I'm mentally so much better. I was just not prepared for the hormonal ups and downs of this pregnancy. The lethargy leading to such feelings of inadequacy. I've been working on a project for myself to get back into the swing of things (I'm making myself a quilt - Yellow Brick Road pattern for the couch and it's so adorable) and then I'll get back to work work.

Looking Up

2005-10-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

The clouds are parting, the sun is shining, and I'm actually getting things done! Both the weather and my mood has been looking up. I'm not neccessarily less nauseas, I'm just able to move around and do stuff. I cleaned the kitchen from last night's dinner, washed the dishes, started a load of laundry, did some busy work and it's still morning! The main thing is that I don't feel quite so sluggish. My husband made me take a walk with him downtown yesterday afternoon, which I, reluctantly, agree helps. Anyway, that's all. Just doing a little better today.

I Hate to Cook, But...

2005-10-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

...I'm so freakishly hungry and I'm craving some grilled food, so I'm going to attempt to put some bacon on the George Forman grill. I have never used the grill unsupervised before (I'm just dreadful in the kitchen - my husband is the chef and does everything more complicated than microwaving - and he even does most of that) but I'm pretty confident I won't burn down the kitchen. I lived in a huge co-op in college and we had this enormous industrial size kitchen (there were 150 of us living there) and I was boiling some potsickers and somehow I started this huge fire that was taller than I was and I just backed out of the kitchen and told the first person I bumped into that there was a fire on the stove. She ran in and took the pot off the flame like it was nothing. I'm such a baby. Anyway, onward...

2 Minutes Later: I'm preheating the grill and my confidence is shaken. I'm now convinced I'm going to burn down the kitchen. The grill clicked. Cooking makes me panic. Anytime something starts to steam or sizzle or pop or smoke even just a tiny bit I freak out. My toaster oven caught on fire a few months ago.

20 Minutes Later: Oh my god. So, I started this with the idea that I was just going to eat a few strips of bacon. That's how I eat when I cook for myself - one ingredient at a time. It's too complicated to assemble. While the bacon was cooking I thought putting it on some bread might make it a little more satisfying, buth there's nothing better than bacon with some mayo, and then I noticed the guacamole sitting in the fridge... So I grilled the bacon for about 15 minutes, flipping it and rotating the strips top to bottom. Turned out PERFECT. Crispy, crunchy, but not burned at all. Grease all dripped into the tray. After the bacon was done I grilled the bread for a few minutes in the leftover bacon grease. Mmmm. I put mayo on one slice and guac on the other, put the bacon on the guac, lettuce (slightly wilted but still good) over that, a little salt and Voila! A really delicious sandwich. Sooo good.

I've decided I'm going to grill everything now. That was really, really good.

Boy's Names

2005-10-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

I can't think of any more boys names. I came up with one when naming my son and now I'm out. I'm having such a hard time finding one I like, let alone one that actually strikes a chord with me. Turtle is named after a close family member and I want the next child to have a name that also means something. We've got the girl's name down, that was easy, I just have no ideas for a boy's name. I even went on the Social Security website; they have the top 1000 names for every year since they started keeping track of this stuff - it's nice to see what people are actually naming their kids, not the crazy things the books come up with. Anyway, that was a bust. Then I started thinking of all the songs that had names in them but that wasn't much of a help and I couldn't think of that many. You know, like the song "Layla" makes that name so much nicer to me. I just want to pick a name that has a nice feeling to go along with it, not just a name I can tolerate. I hope it's a girl. It's probably a boy.

Dolphin Shmolphin

2005-10-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking kidding me?? I just saw a news clip showing pregnant women sitting at the edge of a pool with dolphins squeeking at their bellies and calling it prenatal care. Puh-leese. My cat does most of my prenatal care and everyone knows they're better than dolphins.

Looking Up

2005-10-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

I feel MUCH better. Husband cleaned a lot of the kitchen, I cleaned the bedroom, got the baby furniture up into the room (it's not arranged, but it's there) and I kept the living room clean. I feel good. Baby steps. Going to eat cake now. =)

Mental Health

2005-10-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wish fixing my problems was like having an office job. Office jobs are usually neatly contained in their work shift - you put on your work clothes, drive to work, and have designated hours to get your job done. When the hours are up you go home and resume normal life. Children don't go running into your office crying, husbands don't distract you with lunch and trips outside... There's a clear plan for what needs to get done, in what order, where it gets filed... There are different people for different departments, neat labels and binders and desks. I have a binder. It has dividers for my business and my various projects. My checkbook, calendar, stamps, labels have their own homes. Stuff goes in and gets filed. I wish the rest of my life was like that. I wish I had a kit that would tell me how to organize and fix my life. All the accessories needed for a clean, happy home. My mom has a mug that says, "Life is just so daily." That's how I feel. There isn't a clear plan of what needs to be done and in what order. There's not enough time to do it all anyway, even without the distractions of family life. Mess has to be cleaned and kept at bay every damn day. There are no vacation days from all the little crappy jobs that have to get taken care of for things not to snowball.

Things have snowballed. My house seems beyond repair. My kitchen is a mess no matter how many times I clean it. My bedroom makes me feel like shit because, a) it's such a fucking disaster I can't find my clothes and b) my office is in there and it's a constant reminder of how behind I am on my schedule. I wake up in a panic at 4am because of all the work I have to do. The fucking garage is beyond repair. How the fuck am I supposed to get all this crap done? And is it really cleaning that I'm mostly anxious about? God, I'm pathetic. There are just so many things and I don't have the room in my brain to remember it all or the energy to take care of it all. I'm maxed out and I don't even feel like I'm doing anything to begin with. I'm such a sloth lately and I can't seem to break the cycle. I want things to be pretty and organized, I want to put things in their home and feel relaxed and happy and have time to make banana bread... I want to create neat things in the evenings with my free time instead of lie on the couch and watch dvds.

Is it just because I'm 2 months pregnant? I remember how exhausted and lethargic I was with Turtle and it was extreme. I'm also so fucking nauseas I can barely function. But why do I just feel rotten as a person?

I want so many things that are in my control and I can't do anything to attain them. I want a clean room, a clean kitchen, a clean garage, to finish up my work load, to set up the baby room, to make a little side money for a nice camera, to put up pictures on the wall, to get back into a cleaning routine so I'm not constantly playing catch up, to work on the projects I've been wanting to do since I started my business, to get organized with the stuff I need to do so I'm not constantly behind, to exercise again... I think that's pretty much a master list. Maybe I could work off this list and try and do a few things everyday to attain this stuff. Because it's pretty basic stuff. Nothing extraordinary that needs crazy talent or a big commitment. Just a little time and attention... Every fucking day. God, I'm exhausted.

Getting Real

2005-10-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, the baby thing is finally sinking in. At my ob appointment this morning I was given this big handbook thing written by my ob. It's, like, 70 pages and has basically everything one can expect during pregnancy - all the tests, appointments, symptoms - as well as answers to frequently asked questions - which meds and activities are safe and such. Anyway, during Turtle's nap I sat down and read the whole thing cover to cover and the baby started becoming real. I guess thinking about what it is now and what's in store for it and what I'm expecting about the delivery made it more of its own person... Planning its future, perhaps, gave it a presence.

8 Week Ultrasound

2005-10-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

7w4d
Went in today for my 8 week ultrasound. Baby looks good, good heartbeat, due May 29th, right when I thought it would be. I thought I had ovulated on day 18 of my cycle instead of day 14, which would put the baby due exactly on the 29th, so I guess I was right. It didn't move around much. I thought it would be doing something, but it just sat there. We could see little buds for limbs, and the heartbeat pulsing away. Kind of neat. Still doesn't make it any more real to me, though. Turtle is my entire world, and it's kind of hard to imagine there could be another baby like him, but not him. Doesn't seem possible.

I've been feeling horrible. I had my beloved tacos for dinner last night and couldn't get to sleep until after midnight I was so nauseas. This morning I threw up for the first time this pregnancy. I actually felt a little better afterwards, but the throwing up sucked. But does it ever NOT suck?

Stupid Katie Holmes

2005-10-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm not too pleased with Katie Fucking Holmes being my "Celebrity Pregnancy Buddy." I'm not interested in seeing her stupid belly in the grocery store line, the same as my belly, and hearing her obnoxious opinions on baby crap. I just hope to god she has her baby first so, god forbid we choose the same name, I can change it. And, you know, this means that her and Tom Fruit were doing the nasty almost immediately. I was reading about having a scientology birth - they believe in keeping quiet during delivery because if you scream or swear they will retain that and have "irrational fears" later on. They also discourage painkillers. CLEARLY a man is behind all this crap. Oh, and you know how Tommy was going off on women with postpartum depression and how they shouldn't use anti-depressants? Lets hope Katie doesn't go through any of that because she'll obviously get no support from her husband. I just find the whole thing gross. I used to like Katie Holmes until she hooked up with that creepy Tom Cruise. Grumble, grumble, bitch, bitch...

Buzz

2005-10-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

I've got my 8 week ultrasound tomorrow. I remember with Turtle, a few days before each appointment I would start to get worried that something was horribly wrong and the appointment would reveal a defect or that he'd died or something, but I would also be so excited to hear the heartbeat and see how things were progressing. This time, it's just something I have to drive over the bridge to get to. I don't think it has really sunk in yet. Maybe when I see it rolling around in there. I can't say that I'm not excited, it's not that at all, I guess the combination of not being worried something is going wrong and knowing what to expect has taken all the jitters out of it. It's still an idea to me, I think. Not quite reality.

I'm still really nauseas. I think the nausea itself isn't quite as bad as it was with Turtle, but I can't eat anything so I can't make it better. With Turtle I was throwing up a lot, but I could eat almost anything except dark green veggies. Eating helped so I snacked a lot. This time, I'm not throwing up, but I'm constantly low-grade nauseas and I can't stomach anything, so it just gets worse and worse. The ONLY things that taste good to me are bagels and homemade tacos. Anything that even remotely borders on sweet is out. My husband made a yummy taco-like dish and topped it with cornmeal but even the cornmeal was too sweet and I couldn't eat it.

This morning my son had beautiful, long, golden hair. It was the greatest. Wild and full. And long. It was getting a little too long. He wouldn't let me cut it last time so I managed to just trim it with scissors around his face and left everything else. By this morning it had to be cut. I decided to use the electric clippers so I could trim it quickly and move on. No way was Turtle going to put up with that. He moved around so much it just went horribly wrong and I ended up having to give him a buzz cut to fix it. All his luscious locks. Lying dead on the bathroom floor. Sniffle, sniffle. It'll grow back, I know, but now he looks like such a big boy, instead of my kooky baby.

That's really all I can manage. I haven't been feeling too lively lately, nor have I been feeling very introspective. If I think too hard about things I just feel blah. Boring. Bored. Tired. I think it's just a phase, and once this trimester is over and I have more energy I'll feel a little better. Goddamn, Turtle has the stinkiest fucking diaper I have ever smelled. I think I'm going to toss my cookies.

No Sleep

2005-10-10T13:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't get more than 15 consecutive minutes of sleep at a time last night. Turtle is sprouting two teeth (bottom left molar, bottom front left tooth). My neck was killing me (too much time laying around on the couch the day before) and I have to pee, like, every five minutes because of this whole being pregnant thing. So, between the three of those, I was up several times an hour last night.

NOT FUN. It was constant motion last night. Flipping over because my neck was killing me, getting up to drug Turtle with orajel, tossing and turning, going to the bathroom, getting up to rock Turtle, trying to bring him in bed with us but putting him right back in his crib because he won't sleep in our bed (he chats and wiggles and thinks it's play time) then peeing before tossing around then finally going back to sleep, only to wake up a few minutes later to Turtle's screams.

I don't know what to do about this teething thing. I feel weird giving him drugs all night long, and it only works for a couple hours anyway. I can't ignore his screams because he just doesn't stop and he's right across the hall and I can't sleep through it anyway. I guess it's just one of the joys of parenthood. Yay. Can't wait to go to sleep tonight.

Away From My Desk

2005-10-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

Let's pretend I haven't been writing because I have such an active social life and simply have not had the time to sit in front of the computer. Let's not admit - I mean say - that I'm so exhausted I can't get my butt off the couch, and I'm so nauseas I'll gag if I do anyway. So, yeah, I'm away from my desk, very important, busy, stuff.

How Messy Is My Kitchen?

2005-10-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, the fact that it didn't occur to me to look on the knife magnet - where the knife belongs - for the bread knife until I was searching and searching and couldn't find it should give you some sort of clue. Nothing is put away, and it's surprising when I find something where it actually belongs. Fuck if I had the energy to actually function tonight. Husband is at work late, so it's just me and my dvd of Six Feet Under. Season 4.

Food (Gag)

2005-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

Being hungry makes me gag, but having food in my mouth makes me gag. Thinking about food makes me gag, and looking at it really makes me gag. Just being in the kitchen right now, well, makes me gag. Dairy products (are eggs considered dairy? Because they are especially bad) make me gag. The downstairs bathroom makes me gag. Brushing my teeth makes me gag. The smell of the car two hours after my husband used it to get a cup of coffee makes me gag. Turtle's dirty diapers obviously make me gag. The only thing I want to eat these days are sandwiches. Lettuce, sprouts, mayo, roast beef and a little bit of Jack cheese on thinly sliced wheat bread. Also, bland carbs are good. Like potstickers. Warm, mushy, plain carbs. Pasta with parmesan on top. I made cupcakes two days ago but I can't eat them. They make me gag. I never have caffeine in any form - it makes me weird and I'm not used to it. I don't even like chocolate (4/5ths of people who find this out look at me in absolute horror - I don't think I'd care that much if someone told me they didn't like, I don't know, salmon or something. Seafood is a staple of my diet - of my diet, or in my diet? who cares - but I wouldn't consider a person to be bizarre or wrong if they didn't like it) but, where was I? oh - having a few sips of Coke really calms my stomach and makes me feel good. I wonder if it's the caffeine or something else. My morning sickness cure (why they call it "morning" when it's all day - mine peaks in the evening - I will never know): Bundaberg Ginger Beer. Chases the yuckies away. And very tasty. I have one during or after dinner every day. Except today because we ran out. Which, I suppose, is why I can't stop thinking I'm going to gag. Thinking about gagging makes me gag.

Yesterday

2005-10-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

I was actually semi-productive yesterday. Which is why I decided to slow it down today, so as not to set the bar too high. I cleaned up yesterday. Picked up the whole living room. I also wrote myself out this little chart with the days of the week across the top and a column of the absolute essential chores I must get done daily and weekly, and lower on the page, a column titled If You're Feeling Adventurous. Things like, exercising and paying bills and watering the dying plants. Things that could be put off til the the last minute. Which, believe me, they are. Today I vacuumed the living room, reorganized the baby's feeding area and took a big, long nap on the couch. Been feeling very nauseas today. Had problems brushing my teeth this morning and looking at the food at the grocery store this morning. Tried reheating myself some mashed potatoes, but just looking at the cold gravy quivering on the top of the potatoes made me gag. So did the smell of my son this afternoon when he came home from the park by the water and smelled like fish.

Vroom Vroom

2005-10-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

I want one of those motorized wheelchair things for old people so I can just putt-putt around after Turtle and not have to actually get up. And become the truly sedentary person I aspire to be.

Feeling Optimistic

2005-10-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

Back from vacation. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. I have my equilibrium back. I was happy and relaxed and calm and serene. We had a great time. We went up the coast to the beach, where I met my husband. Where he used to be my boss, tee hee. We went to the beach, we went on walks, we caught up on local gossip, we watched movies until late at night. There's no TV or internet there, so we ate and talked and played with Turtle and enjoyed the outdoors. It's so beautiful up there. No city or lights or pollution. The roads (and beaches and trails) are private so there isn't even any traffic.

We left at 11:30 pm on Wednesday night, thinking that Turtle would sleep in the car for the 2+ hours it takes to get there and stay asleep til morning. He fell asleep for the last 5 minutes of the drive and wouldn't go back to sleep once we got there. But he did wake up at 7:03am like nothing had happened! He kept that up pretty much the whole time we were there. Not napping and barely sleeping at night. He also went on a food strike, which was odd, because this kid likes to eat. Anything and everything. Oh well. Who knows. So, we were a little exhausted, but it was nice to feel normal again. Well, normal except for my morning sickness that started in earnest on the drive up there and has not ebbed since. Great. I was thinking maybe I could skip that part this time around? Oh, and get this: I ALREADY can't fit into my size 4 jeans! WTF?? I'm 6.5 weeks pregnant! This shouldn't be happening so soon, should it? So, this morning, I dug around in the garage, reluctantly brought up my box of maternity clothes and donned my smallest, cutest pair of maternity pants. Then found myself without a shirt long enough to cover the wide elastic "Hello, I'm Pregnant" waist band. So I, even more reluctantly, put on my smallest (but very long) maternity tank top. I think I've gained all of two pounds so far, this should not be happening.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, vacation was fabulous and I feel (mostly) great. I'm determined to turn over a new leaf. I'm just such a slug lately. I know I'm in the first trimester, when doing anything is like swimming through honey, but I can't just hang around and relax like I did when I was pregnant with Turtle. I have crap to do. A home-business to wrap up! So, my first step is to get organized with my daily priorities and my second step is to learn how fulfill my daily priorities WHILE getting things done with my business, so I can put that aside and get to work on all the house stuff that needs doing before the baby gets here. I can do this. I have to do this. Watch me kick butt.

New Planet

2005-10-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Scientists have discovered a possible new planet in our solar system. The discoverer wants to name it Xena. After a television character. One of our planets...

Still in the Dumps

2005-09-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

We're going on vacation tonight. Woo hoo. I've been in such a dark, horrible mood lately. Thinking I might need help with this. My pregnancy hormones are clashing with my regular hormones, turning me into Queen Bitch. I didn't get this way with Turtle. But, I didn't already have Turtle when I was pregnant, so I'm remembering that I got to sleep a lot more. But I've just been no fun for my husband to be around. Although, instead of leaving earlier for our vacation he's out with his ex-girlfriend and a few other friends in the city, at a bar, having a nice time. WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE EXPECT?? It's our anniversary vacation!! Miss Priss comes a callin' and he goes trotting over! He had so many stupid, lame excuses ("It's not like I sprang this on you" - so the fuck what??) and I just told him to stop talking to me about it, that I didn't know why I had to be happy with his decision. I'm not going to pretend I like what's going on so he can go off with a clear conscience and drink in peace. Grumble, grumble.

Anyway. So we're leaving tonight, whenever he decides to come home. I'm not ready and I haven't packed Turtle's things. But I'm so motherfucking tired, I... just want to lie on the couch and watch TV. The season premier of Veronica Mars is on tonight. That will be the highlight of my whole day, I think. I had a point. I think it was that I'm going on vacation and I'm pissed off. And I think I made that pretty clear already. I wonder if "they" (whoever "they" are) say it will be a girl if you get all moody during pregnancy. I've heard they say it's a girl if you carry it wide rather than in front (Turtle was like a basketball tucked under my shirt) and carrying a girl steals your beauty (I didn't make these up, that's what "they" say - that your face changes in an odd way with a girl) and with a girl you eat sweet foods and a boy you eat salty, but, other than that, I'm not too sure what else they say. Not that I'd put too much money on what "they" say, but I'd be curious to know what else these people in the know say.

In The Dumps

2005-09-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in the dumps. I'm going to try to write about this without sounding like a pathetic, spoiled loser. I'm 5.5 weeks pregnant and I'm fucking tired. I'm not sure if it's the exhaustion that's making me feel depressed, or if there's depression on it's own. But, during random moments, I can feel my heart weeping. I get moody when I lie around and do nothing for too long, and I have certainly done enough of that lately. I get more tired the more I lie around, which would cause more moodiness, which would cause me to lie around more. Vicious cycle. I am so damn, fucking behind on my work schedule, and I feel so guilty. This has done it's own part in rendering me immobile. And then I see all the stuff I want to do around the house that I can't in good conscience do until I've caught up with my work stuff. And then I feel like I'm suffocating under all the stuff I see around me that needs attention. The walls are closing in on me. I'm driving home and I see a woman jogging on the trail by the water, listening to her music, all alone and I ache for the days that I could just do stuff, without so much scheduling and planning and waiting. When I could go for a jog at 10pm at night with a friend. Or stay up way too late one night, knowing I could sleep in the next day. But mostly it's the simple stuff, going outside, by myself, to run an errand, when I felt like it. I think it's not about being unhappy with my current life, but a twinge of jealousy for my past one.

I really like my life. I feel extraordinarily fortunate that I get to stay home with my children. I'm pregnant with baby #2 and I'm very happy and excited. I love being in the company of my son, he's a wonderful companion. I don't feel like I'm missing out on things, or not living up to my full potential; I have plenty of friends and plenty of adult conversation, and a wonderful, wonderful husband who does so much to support me and love me. THAT BEING SAID, I feel like crap right now. Down in the dumps.

Week 6

2005-09-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

It's The Beginning of Week 6:
Baby is 2 to 4mm, crown to rump, a heartbeat could possibly be seen at an ultrasound. It's now an embryo (from week 6 to 10). Early brain chambers are forming, along with the eyes, and limb buds have appeared. The heart tubes fuse and heart contractions begin.

I haven't gained any weight yet, although, there's a slight bulge where there didn't use to be. The uterus feels hard when we poke at it. Sorry, baby. By the end of this month my uterus will be the size of a grapefruit! All of my symptoms from before have pretty much disappeared. I did have nausea from week 4 to 5, but it seems to have gone somewhere else for a while. My friend K. has it - who's a week ahead of me. She's even throwing up. Yuck. I'll get nauseas if I don't eat often enough, and I'll get a little queasy in the evening before dinner, but the vitamins aren't bothering me and I feel normal. My gums being sore and my breast being sore were my first clues that I was pregnant, but both are fine. I went to the dentist yesterday which hurt a lot, but otherwise they are normal. I don't have heartburn or constipation yet either, though if I eat too close to bedtime, it's awfully uncomfortable all night. My cramps went away, although I felt an odd tugging, stretching sensation yesterday. And it goes without saying that I'm exhausted. A friend just sent me an email and said it was like having chemo for 10 weeks. Oh, and I have to go to the bathroom, like, five times a night. SO frustrating. And I get a little cranky at night. I shoot my poor husband evil death rays over the slightest comment. He laughes it off.

Blue

2005-09-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today was really hard. For some reason Turtle has been terribly whiny for the past few days. I think maybe it's because I spend too much time these days lying on the couch while he plays around me. He doesn't like this so much. He likes to be out and about, but I'm so freaking tired, I need to rest. It's never for very long, but, goddamn, the little bugger just refuses to listen when I try to explain the whole pregnancy thing to him. Have a little compassion, for crying out loud. What? You say you're only 15 months old and don't even know what compassion is? Hmph. Excuses are like assholes, I tell him. I did exercise today, though. I'm so proud of myself. I went walking (and by "walking" I mean, forced march up a steep hill) with a friend I haven't seen in ages. She has two kids, a little farther apart than mine will be. She's having such a hard time with it, though, that being with her really scares the crap out of me. I got really anxious about our decision to have another one. What if it's hell??? I've had serious conversations with, I think, four of my friends who have two kids and they ALL either wish they had waited longer before having the second or actually think it would have been better if they hadn't had the second one at all! What the fuck? Do I need better friends, or just less honest ones?
Anyway, aside from worrying about whether I can handle two kids, I've been worrying that I will screw them up. I don't know what to do with siblings. I don't have any, I've never seen it up close before. I'm terrified I'm going to do all the wrong things and they will be competitive and insecure and jealous and grow up hating eachother and torturing cats. I don't know what you're not supposed to do with siblings. I think those with siblings will have no idea what I'm talking about, but it's not second nature to me to know how to handle conflicts without creating more. I heard about a book, Siblings Without Rivalry that addresses some of these issues and I think I'm going to have to read it. Other than that, I'm just not sure.

But, I haven't been nauseas for two days. Which would make me nervous if I thought about it for too long.

Last Night's Dinner

2005-09-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

We had my mom, her husband, his teenage daughter, my grampa, and my husband's parents over for dinner last night. Shortly before dinner I put Turtle in his jammys - which was a onesie on which I had written "I'm going to be a BIG BROTHER!" I brought him downstairs, and that's how we told the in-laws! Boy, did Husband's mom freak out. In a happy way. She said, really slowly as she was reading it: "Big. I'm going. To be a. Big... Brother?! WHAT??" And then she declared she was retiring so she could be here all the time. Oh fuck. What have I done?

I put a picture of Turtle in said shirt on our family blog and that's how we're telling our friends. I have to clean the kitchen. It's an absolute disaster. But husband did a really great job cooking for so many people, he was nervous it was going to end up being chinese take-out with a side of fries. He has never been solely responsible for cooking for that many people. I certainly couldn't help. I'm a disaster in the kitchen. But he pulled it off amazingly. It was fun.

Stuck in a Rut

2005-09-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

My OB's office called this morning. My HCG levels nearly tripled in the time they were hoping it would just double, so I'm sittin' pretty. They said I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point, and I'll go in next for my 8 week ultrasound. I feel much better.

Parents and in-laws and my grampa are coming over tonight for dinner. I already told my mom that I'm pregnant (because of the whole uti scare and "low" HCG levels - see previous posts) but the others don't know. I wrote on Turtle's onesie - "I'm going to be a BIG BROTHER!" in fabric marker, and he'll come downstairs wearing that. Tee hee.

So, we're preparing for dinner, I've been cleaning the house all day and I MUST get some work done soon. I'm so behind on my schedule and I'm so embarrassed and anxious about it. I just have to get started and own up to people that I'm behind and give them the chance to back out if they want, or accept that I'm late. I kind of feel in limbo, still. First I was in limbo because I was waiting to see if I was pregnant and I couldn't get motivated with that hanging over my head. Then I was in limbo, all scared, wondering if it was going to survive. Now I'm just stuck here in limbo for no good reason. I'm completely unmotivated. I'm also totally exhausted in that way only early pregnancy can bring on, and nauseus. I get up to do something and then sit back down. I feel like I'm still waiting for stuff to happen. I just have to get back to work. I need to do so much stuff to prepare for the baby, but I can't do any of that until I've fulfilled my work commitments! GET BACK TO WORK! The baby won't be here for eight more months, the garage can wait! The crib will be fine where it is. New Baby won't need it until it's a few months old, anyway! For crying out loud, get off your ass!

Weaning

2005-09-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, one thing that makes me a little panicky when I think about it is that I've weaned Turtle. He's 14.5 months old, I know it's time, but it's... I can't think about it or I'll find it sad. Breastfeeding was fine. I'm not one of those people who looooves it and feels connected to my earth mother when I'm passing the nectar on to my offspring or anything; I found it a little inconvenient, but a nice cuddle time. My goal was to do it for a year, if both parties were still interested. At a year I was nursing four times a day and I wanted to cut down. Turtle was still way into it and I couldn't see a point where he would stop on his own, and eventually he would get old enough to remember and scream for it in the grocery store. He's a very easy-going baby, I knew I could just stop one day, like I did with the bottle, and he wouldn't notice, but he'll go through his Terrible Two's just like all other 2 year olds, and I thought it best to do it before then, but I just couldn't. It didn't feel right being the one to decide he will never nurse again. So, between 12 and 13 months I cut back one nurse a week until I was left with just the before bed nurse. This was usually only a nip or two, but he had that adorable, eyes-half-closed milk-coma look, he was just so happy, and I couldn't end it. But, I went on this uti medication and... I just figured it might be a good time. I can blame it on the antibiotics - I'm not the one saying he can never nurse again, the antibiotics are. And he hasn't noticed. At all. I give him a sippy cup of milk instead of the nurse and that suits him just fine. I guess I'm going through the separation anxiety. But you know what? I've been pregnant or nursing for two years now, and I'm pregnant again, and I'm not all that wild about sharing my body with two babies. I never thought I'd have a hard time giving up the nursing.

Later: I'm retarded. We ran out of milk last night, my husband forgot to buy more and I didn't feel like going to the store at 8am, so I nursed Turtle when he woke up this morning. Oh well. He was happy. I'm a wimp.

Also, you know how I told my mom I'm pregnant on Monday? I haven't heard from her since. I got a weird reaction ("Oh.") and reminders that I could easily have a miscarriage, but no nice words, no congratulations, no phone calls, no emails. I live in the same town as my mom and help her out with her store and we're very close and we talk and/or see eachother basically everyday and now nothing. I'm a little hurt. And confused. And I'm not sure what to do.

Even Later: I just emailed my mom. I wrote, "So... are you upset or something?" and I immediately got a call back from her being very sweet saying she wasn't upset at all, she was just very busy - there have been evening classes at her store and she's teaching one of them tonight and she was going to call me on her cell phone the other day but her husband had cancelled their cell phone service and on and on. She asked me how I was feeling and we talked for a while. I feel SO much better. Phew.

Doctor

2005-09-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

I went to my OB this morning. I told them everything my doctor had said to me yesterday (see the following post) and they suggested I come in to their office to have my blood drawn. They were so reassuring! They told me that if I'm getting treatment for this uti, I shouldn't worry too much about the risk of miscarriage and they double checked to make sure the antibiotics are safe in pregnancy (they are) and she seemed confused as to why they thought my HCG levels were low. She said they will naturally be lower because I was only three days past when my period was due, but just to be safe I'm going back to the lab in 48 hours. That way they can be totally sure that the levels are rising the way they should. I was told with my first child (when I was accused by a doctor of having an insufficient HCG level) that it's not so important what the level actually is, but that it's rising at the proper rate. SO! I can breathe again. I'm not too paranoid that everything is going to shit.

BUT - I told my mom this morning that I was pregnant. I was going to wait until all the parents/in-laws were here on Thursday for dinner and tell them all, but I had to tell mom because of all this going on. And, she didn't really react. She didn't say congratulations or that's nice or anything. She just said, "Oh." I'm wondering if it's because she had six miscarriages trying to have me, she doesn't want to get too excited in case something happens. Or she thinks I'm making the wrong decision. After I got back from the doctor's office this morning with my good-ish news she made sure to remind me that I'm still in the normal range for miscarriages. She didn't say, what a relief or I'm glad or anything. She has not said one positive word. It's just confusing. A little weird.

So, I'm finding out tomorrow what today's HCG levels are and then on Thursday I'll find out if they are rising at a good clip. I think I can rest easy after Thursday, assuming it's good news. I won't worry about the uti. I'm treating it and there's nothing more I can do about it.

Bad Day

2005-09-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

If you're squeemish, I would skip this post. In fact, if you're squeemish, I would steer clear of the entire blog... I'm having a bad day. My mom picks up the baby on Sunday mornings and I have a nice chunk of time to eat lunch and shower and relax. I live for Sunday mornings. This morning I went to the doctor because this urinary tract infection isn't going away and I thought I might have a yeast infection on top of everything else. Basically, I don't have a yeast infection, it's the uti that is running rampant. I have a fever, blood and pus in my urine and it's infecting the skin. Besides the fact that it could turn into a kidney infection, these things can cause "early termination of pregnancy." Great. And if that wasn't enough, they did a pregnancy test at the office and were concerned about my low levels of HCG. So they told me to get a blood test to figure out what's going on with the HCG and developement of the baby, and after getting lost for half an hour I find out the lab is closed. So, now I get to sit here, by myself (husband's at work) and try not to worry about, kidney infection, pregnancy termination and my low HCG. Bad day. Bad fucking day.

Week 5

2005-09-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's the beginning of Week 5.
Baby is about 1.25mm long. The plate that will become his heart has developed. Brain, spinal cord, muscle, bone and skeleton are beginning to take shape.

I am already queesy - a symptom they say can start around the 6th week. Ooh, lucky me. That was the worst part of first pregnancy. My breasts are sore, my gums are sore, I'm so ridiculously tired all the way down to my bones and I have cramps. I freaked out over the cramps last time - went to the emergency room because doctors were afraid it could be ectopic. I was told HCG levels were not high enough, baby wasn't growing properly, was told it could be an empty sac... after two weeks of hell turns out baby was fine, and at birth weighed in at a healthy 9 lbs 2 oz. So, unless it gets unreasonably bad, I'm not going to worry about a few cramps. This is what I look like now.

Here are the reasons I thought I was getting my period: I was crampy and tired and a few days before my period I got my usual pre-period pimple. Just a tiny little blemish that no one else can see unless I pick at it and it tells me my period is near. I was also cranky and bitchy and a little bloated. And I was snacking a lot. You can see why I was confused! These are all the same as pregnancy. The symptoms that stood out as decidedly NOT period, but could have been explained away by other normal things: My gums were sore, my breasts were sore and I was a little nauseus after taking my vitamin. Not a lot to go on.

Husband's Reaction

2005-09-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

From Friday's Post:
This is how I told my husband about baby #1 (who we call Turtle, so I guess I could here, for ease). Today I made him a card. On the cover it says "Happy". On the inside it says, "Birth Day (wink, wink)" and under it, it says Turtle's birthdate and below that: "Late May 2006" (around when new baby's due). We'll see what he says! He didn't think it was funny the first time around, maybe he will now. =) .....

So, I handed Husband the card when he got home last night. He walked in the door, I told him I wanted to show him something, he came and sat down on the couch, I told him I'd made him a card and he "awwed." I handed him the card. He looked at the word "Happy" on the cover and later told me he'd thought that was a little cheesy, but whatever. He opened the card and saw "Birth Day, -wink- -wink-" and he didn't get it. He lifted the flap and saw Turtle's birthday written and below that "Late May 2006" and he didn't get it. He looked back at the top flap, trying to figure it out, then lifted the flap again and looked at the dates. He said, pointing to the May line, "Wait, what's..." and then he got it. His face instantly flooded with this beautiful, happy, genuinely happy smile. His eyes just lit up, he said, "You mean you're..?" And I nodded and showed him the pregnancy test. He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me and said, "My sperm can't swim. Ha!" (I'd been teasing him.) It was really nice. You can't fake that first reaction, you know? It is what it is, but that first look belongs to the truth. We talked for a while on the couch. There were lots of "wow's" and "Damn, we're good." He got up to put the groceries away and offered to make me food. AT 1:30am he made me a grilled cheese sandwich and we talked about the future, which kinds of fish have too much mercury, he asked me what my afternoon was like, how did I find out - he is the sweetest thing that ever lived. He kept rubbing my belly and kissed it when I finally went to bed.

Boy

2005-09-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

What if it's a boy? My chinese calendar thingy says it will be a girl. But what if it's a boy? Will I be able to love him as much as I love my perfect Turtle? He will be different. He'll look different and have a different personality. He'll be so similar, but... different. If it's a girl, she will be SO different that it will be like apples and oranges. But to have two oranges? Will I be able to love the second orange like I love the first?

I'm Pregnant!

2005-09-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I'm pregnant! It really hasn't sunk in. I couldn't take it anymore and I took the pregnancy test at 5:30 this evening. I was going to wait until Saturday, when I had officially missed a period, but that felt like ages away so I was going to take the test at 7pm tonight because I usually get my period about 3pm, so that would make it about four hours late, but then I had to pee at 5:30pm and I have no self control and I peed on the stick. At first just the one line showed up (I looked after about .2 seconds, instead of the 3 minutes) and I felt deflated. I threw away the packaging, looked back at the test, and, what do you know, a little line started peeking through. After about five minutes it was a nice little faded pink line, standing proud. I didn't believe it. I can't believe it. Pregnant. There's a tiny little ball of cells rapidly splitting and working hard at becoming a whole new person. So I immediately called my best friend, C., who now lives a few states away. Of course she didn't pick up her phone. I called my second best friend K., who's about a week or so more pregnant than I am and lives in town (I can't believe I can say I have a best friend, let alone a "second" best friend... am I in junior high?) who, of course, wasn't home. I called my other friend, H., who's about a month more pregnant than I am, who, yes, of course was not home. So I called my dad who's always home. He was very happy. I called back C. and she picked up and we freaked out together. I called my sister who did not pick up the phone. What is wrong with these people?! Oh, and my husband is at work until about midnight, and I don't want to tell him over the phone. My mom and her husband and my husband's parents are coming over for dinner on Thursday and we are telling them then.

This is how I told my husband about baby #1 (who we call Turtle, so I guess I could here, for ease). Today I made him a card. On the cover it says "Happy". On the inside it says, "Birth Day (wink, wink)" and under it, it says Turtle's birthdate and below that: "Late May 2006" (around when new baby's due). We'll see what he says! He didn't think it was funny the first time around, maybe he will now. =)

I had a few clues, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Clue #1: My breasts have been sore for two weeks. I'm still nursing Turtle, so I thought it could be explained away by that. Oh. By the time New Baby is a year old, I will have been pregnant or nursing for almost four years. Fuck. Clue #2: I was crampy and very very tired and hungry. All of them could be either pregnancy or period. Clue #3: This is the one that really gave me hope. Last night I took my prenatal vitamins which I've been doing since we decided to have another baby. But last night, right after I took them I got nauseus. I thought it could have been the dinner I was eating, but it felt like the old familiar "morning sickness." Which I had sooo horribly with my Turtle. Clue #4: And, for the past two days I've been having hot and cold flashes. Felt hormonal and I couldn't find an explanation. I never have them normally.

Anyway, so that's my news. I can't wait until my husband gets home. I wonder when it will start to feel real.